Monthly Archives: September 2008

Strictly Come to the hairdressers right now, that’s a shockingly bad haircut

Hooray for the new series of Strictly Come Dancing! Our lives are complete again. This past Saturday saw the second episode of the new series, in which the girls took a spin on the dancefloor for the first time.

There’s nothing outstandingly bad to report from the show. Well, apart from some of the hairstyles. Judge Craig Revel Horwood has decided to adopt a ridiculous half-mullet, causing little tufts of hair to stick out from behind his ears. (I suppose, luckily for him, that’s better than tufts being in his ears.) I don’t know how he expects to be all mean and nasty with such a stupid haircut.

Worse still is Jessie Wallace, aka Kat “You cahn’t tell me wot to do, you’re not my muvva! YES AIII AAAAAMMM!!” Slater from Eastenders. Jessie has decided to sport a sharp, jet black bob, reminiscent of Catherine Zeta Jones’s character in Chicago. Something tells me Jessie Wallace deliberately went for this hairstyle for Strictly Come Dancing in the hope that people would mistakenly think that she’s actually a talented dancer. It’s not going to work, Jessie. It also reaaallly doesn’t suit you, dear.


Screw the economic crisis, what about our poor celebrities?!

So the City’s in turmoil, our banks are all in the shitter and none of us can afford to buy anything even at Aldi. But spare a thought for a group of people that are having an even tougher time than most. That’s right – celebrities. You thought you had it bad? Read on, my friend…

A self-potrait by Kate Moss – drawn in lipstick – only reached £33,600 at auction over the weekend. The expertly painted masterpiece, which shows off her true talent (let’s face it, modelling is just a stop-gap for her) was expected to fetch over £40,000. Oh, Kate, how will you ever survive?

Another painting in the same auction, painted by Pete Doherty in blood, failed to sell at all. I really can’t imagine why – Pete is an absolute legend, and blood is such a interesting material to paint with. Having something like that hanging up in your living room would be amazingly inspiring, I should think.

Maybe someone should set up a charity to raise funds for celebrities in need? Us ordinary plebs could take over a night of TV and put on wacky sketches and sing pop songs. All to give something back to the people that need it most.

It’s Monday! Video Time!

I often wonder why this video doesn’t get played more on TV. Sure, they may be over 20 years old, but:

– it has TWO Jaguars in it (the car, not the animal)
– it has a woman who not only writhes around on said vehicles, but also rides precariously hanging out the window of one of them
– it features pretty much the best hairstyle you will ever see
– the woman’s hair is nice too
– there’s snogging between a really hot guy and a totally average looking woman

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin the surprise.


*goops* Oh, pardon me.


Gwyneth Paltrow has a new website. Yay, high five, awesome, way cool!

It’s called Goop.

Yay, high five, aweso…

Wait, what?

“Goop by Gwyneth Paltrow” (tagline: nourish the inner aspect) is so new that, well, there’s not much to it. There’s different sections like ‘Make’, ‘Go’, ‘Get’ but clicking on any of them just takes you a little blurb by Gwyneth about how she’s going to share all the really cool things in her life.

I guess this is a posh way of having a “Site Under Construction” banner on display. Seriously, girl – get the site finished first, then launch it!

What’s the website about? Well, she’s apparently tried lots of things and made lots of mistakes. But figured lots of things out in the process that she wants to share with us. Hmmm, kind of hate it already…right?

But really, “GOOP”?? That’s the best they could come up with as a name? For a while I thought that might be her initials, like her full name is Gwyneth Olivia Ostrich Paltrow or something. But I IMDB-ed Gwyneth and her middle name is Kate. Oh.

“Goop” also sounds like some kind of bodily function, or something a baby would do. Or both.

P.S. Wouldn’t Ostrich be an awesome name to have?!

Eurovision: the jury’s in!

Criticised over the past few years for it’s stupid countries-for-their-neighbours thing, the Eurovision Song Contest is going to bring back voting by juries. Hooray! Because really, ordinary people can’t be trusted. We need experts judging this show. They know true musical genius when they hear it.

Clearly, though, the UK’s problem is that it doesn’t have many friends in Europe. Well, that and the fact that there’s not enough of a community of Brits in any one country for them to help out in voting. In this year’s contest, only Ireland and San Marino gave Britain votes. I guess that means San Marino has loads of Brits living in it?

Below is a video of all the funny moments in Eurovision voting history. It’s over eight and a half minutes long. You see how much hilarity has been created in the 52 years that the contest has been running? Superb.


You can always count on rock legends

Over the weekend, Iron Maiden lead singer Bruce Dickinson came to the rescue of some unlucky holidaymakers who were stranded in Sharm el-Sheikh and Kos when the travel company XL went bust. Good ol’ Bruce piloted a plane to the Egyptian resort, flew back to England, had a quick sleep, then went out to Kos to rescue some more British tourists that were stuck on the holiday island.

Youre facing the wrong way!!
You’re facing the wrong way!!

Most newspaper reports of this story helpfully add that Bruce is a “fully-qualified Boeing 757 pilot” (e.g. The Mirror) which is awesome! Not only is a helpful guy, but he’s also trained to fly planes! What a brilliant coincidence.

Unfortunately, it might not be so good for said pilot:

…Marc Cryer, on Bruce’s chartered Monarch flight from Sharm el-Sheikh on Saturday, was alone in his awe at being rescued by such a famous captain of rock.

Marc said: “I was stunned – though nobody else seemed to know who he was. I must have been his one fan on the trip.

Tut, where are Iron Maiden fans when you need them? Well, clearly not stranded in Sharm el-Sheikh…

I hope this is the start of trend in society – rock legends generally coming to the rescue. I understand that Robert Plant of Led Zepplin is putting together a funding package to help struggling airline Alitalia. Joe Elliott of Def Leppard is considering digging deep to help some of them employees of Lehman Brothers. Jon Bon Jovi will start a weekly column in The Sun to help readers through the credit crunch. And Coldplay’s Chris Martin will pen a whiny piano song about the whole thing.

The Bitch Is Back

Lily Allen and Elton John got into a bit of a bitch-fight last night whilst co-presenting the GQ Men of the Year Awards. Lily, wearing a totally over-the-top gown and a unusually ridiculous hairstyle, was knocking back the champagne throughout the cermony, even keeping a bottle of it hidden under the presenters’ podium. Elton, wearing a boring old suit but sporting his usual ridiculous hair, was sober all evening. (Probably. He’s a boring old rocker. There’ll all sober these days.)

Here’s the best exchange of the night:

Lily: And now the most important part of the night…

Elton: What? Are you going to have another drink?

Lily: F*ck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me.

Elton: I could still snort you under the table.

Lily: F*ck off. I don’t know what you are talking about.

 Here’s ten pointers for Lily Allen:

  1. Don’t argue with music legends, everyone will hate you.
  2. Don’t argue with someone well known for throwing tantrums; whatever you do, he’ll be able to throw an even bigger strop.
  3. Improve your arguing skills in general – you need to make snappier comebacks.
  4. There’s a limit to how many times you can say “f*ck off” in the space of 5 seconds.
  5. Your last comment is poor. You might just as well have gone “URRRR!! WHATEVA!!!!”
  6. Stop being annoying.
  7. The public aren’t going to wait forever for a second album.

Well, there’s seven anyway. The other three Lily’ll have to work out on her own. I can’t do everything for her.

Ferris Bueller, you’re my hero

Kate Middleton is in the news today (when isn’t she?) because apparently she does have a job! And better yet – it’s a boring office job. Yay for her! She’s just like us. Yah boo to all of you who think she spends all day sitting around drinking cups of tea and watching Loose Women, waiting for Prince William to propose.

Katie no wait-y
Katie no wait-y
I have no particularly strong feelings for Kate Middleton either way. Aside from the fact that every time I see her, I think: 
“You wear too much eye make-up. My sister wears too much eye make-up. People think she’s a whore.”