Category Archives: Crazy


I see a flaw in this Valentine’s Day plan…

Hmmm…I think this is the wrong kind of proposal

The BBC News reports on a “helpful” strategy that Manchester Airport are employing for Valentine’s Day in order to avoid any secretly hidden engagement rings being unveiled at airport security…thereby ruining the surprise of a proposal.

Travellers can now say a special code phrase which will see them screened privately, so all lovely and not-so-lovely rings stay firmly hidden the lucky girl (or guy?) is none the wiser.

The only problem – I think, anyway – is that the phrase in question is “be my Valentine”. Now, if I were travelling to some exotic locale for a romantic getaway with my loved one and they uttered this phrase to a security guard at the airport, I’d think they were cracking onto them. And then I’d get mad. And then I’d probably dump them.

It’s a recipe for disaster.

Tom Cruise is….Patrick Bateman?

This is best thing I’ve read all year. Well, all month. Day. Hour. Okay, the best thing I’ve read whilst I’m waiting for my washing machine to finish.

Director of American Psycho, Mary Harron, revealed in a recent magazine interview how she and lead actor Christian Bale worked on establishing the character, Patrick Bateman. After talking at length in various phone calls, Bale one day revealed seeing someone that would help establish the kind of person Patrick Bateman was.

Tom Cruise.

I totally see it. This makes me like American Psycho, Christian Bale and Patrick Bateman a little bit more. Heck, it even makes me like Tom Cruise. Well, only because I’m now imagining that he’s Patrick Bateman.

I don’t know if this is the interview because my two seconds of research don’t reveal when it’s from, but it sure could be. His laughing is mesmerising. Especially laughing about cutting someone’s oxygen supply off.

Dlisted: This Makes Sense

New and innovative type of broadcasting from ITV

Way, waaay back in March 2007, I commented on the news that ITV had obtained the rights from the BBC for terrestrial FA Cup games. Warning everyone that the coverage would “suck” (to use a technical term), I told people that they should expect:

…piss-poor presenting, annoying commentry, average analysis…oh, and ad breaks, of course.

Little did I know how much the coverage would suck…and, in a rather suprising move, that ITV would decide to do all of the above at the same time. Like this week, when they decided to switch to an ad break during extra time of the Everton – Liverpool FA Cup fourth round replay, missing the only goal of the game.

But maybe there’s something positive to take from this cock up; perhaps ITV have actually stumbled across a new type of broadcasting. People’s attention spans are getting shorter and shorter these days and, although there’s lots of channels to choose from, getting from one to another to start watching something else involves…pressing a button. That’s hard. So why not just show lots of programming at the same time? Start by showing Dancing On Ice, then just cut to the middle section of the news, then to Phillip and Fern giggling for a couple of minutes on This Morning, then Loose Women gabbing on about some old crap, and finish it off with a bitchfight on Corrie, before going back to someone saying their goodbyes on Dancing On Ice because they’ve just been voted off.

Alternatively, they could always just interrupt their ad breaks with live goals.

Here’s the football/ad break mistake, “as it happened”:


Ab Fab heading to America

Not that I want to be negative or anything, but the news that Absolutely Fabulous is being re-made for American television doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. Seeing as it’s being created for network television station FOX, they’re probably going to strip out all the vulgarity, crudeness, drunkeness, references to bad behaviour, kookiness, the chain smoking sex, old people (so out goes both Edina’s mother AND Patsy) and frumpy daughters until you’re left with two woman that know each other discussing stuff whilst sitting in a kitchen.

Wheres the Bolly?
Where’s the Bolly?

Moreover, Edina Monsoon strikes me as being exceptionally British. I can’t even begin to comprehend that an American version of her would work well…if at all. A vapid, ditsy, mean, self-important, trend-driven but incredibly funny socialite woman? Gotta be British!

The more I think about it, the more I think this is probably the worst choice of show that could possibly be remade for American TV. Seriously, they might as well make their own version of Eastenders – even that would work better.

Just leave it, FOX!

UFO? Or maybe just a little too much sambuca?

This kind of sounds like something from the X  Files. No wait, it’s a little too light-hearted for the X Files. Make that “it’s like something from a 1980s comedy thriller”.

Modern interpretation of a UFO
Modern interpretation of a UFO

The National Archives have released their “UFO Files”, documenting apparent UFO sighting from 1986 to 1992. The best sighting is by an Alitalia pilot in 1991, on a plane bound for Heathrow. Upon seeing a brown, missile-shaped object he warned his co-pilot to “look out!”. Pretty helpful advice, methinks. “Beppe dere isa something ina sky! Looka out!”

Let me see, a brown, missle-shaped object? Could it perhaps be…a brown missile? The Ministry of Defence thought not, and also ruled out it being a space rocket or a weather balloon. Yup, I believe the official file says “Beppe and Alessandro were on the sambuca again. CASE CLOSED.”

Disclaimer: This post has slightly xenophobic undertones, and also uses a very obvious joke. Sorry. It’s just a joke. I’m also not suggesting that Alitalia are all drunken idiots. Bankrupt – yes, drunken idiots – no.

Oh, and I’ve also stolen Perez Hilton’s writing on pictures thing.

Wow, least original post ever. Let that be a lesson for me.

Exactly how much money does Jon Bon Jovi have?

It’s a question I often think about…when I’m not debating this topic with my friends, or mulling it over with my plants. I mean, he has written and performed some the greatest songs of all time (Livin’ On A Prayer; You Give Love A Bad Name; Wanted Dead Or Alive, the keyboard-tastic Runaway…and other songs not from the 80s) which must have at least earnt him twenty quid by now. Like many of us, he’s got a part-time job on the side – he’s dabbled with acting (e.g. Ally McBeal) which has given him a bit of extra dosh. And, let’s face it, he’s got awesome hair and teeth which probably means that people just throw money at him all the time.

Well, someone out there thinks Jon Bon is clearly *LOADED*. Not just loaded or LOADED, but *LOADED*. A guy called Samuel Bartley Steele from Boston (the city, not the 70s band) is suing Jon Bon Jovi for $400 billion. Yes, really, $400 billion. $400 BILLON. *$400 BILLION* Is this guy perhaps a world leader in disguise that’s realised they don’t actually have the funds for their intended financial crisis solution and so is instead resorting to suing rock stars?

Dude, youre suing me for how much?!
Dude, you’re suing me for how much?!

Anyways, the reasoning behind the madness is that Steele claims Jon Bon Jovi stole the lyrics and chorus from one of his songs. Steele’s song is called (Man I Really) Love This Team, Bon Jovi’s is I Love This Town. Team, town, if they both love something, the should be happy…no?

But what if the joke’s on us, and Jon Bon Jovi really does have that much money? I’m beginning to wonder now. I had a crush on this guy back in the 90s. Did I make a mistake in growing up and stopping my teenage obsession, and not going on to marry him like I thought I would? Uh oh.

Let me think that over whilst watching the excellent Runaway, as mentioned above. I don’t think they used enough smoke machines, though…


Crispy Cristiano

I’m not sure what kind of weird LA-with-mates-let’s-go-and-pick-up-lots-of-chicks-and-wear-really-dodgy-clothes-and-piss-off-Alex-Ferguson-as-much-as-possible holiday Cristiano Ronaldo is on, but there’s new pictures of him in the papers every day. They’re worse each day. And every day they want to make me want to vomit just that tiny bit more. (Phew! I’ve just used up my entire hyphen quota for the year!)

Here’s the latest of him turning a really weird and somewhat painful colour:

On the other hand, people haven’t been tanning with such abandon since the 70s…although his foot will be an incredibly comedy colour when his cast/weird sock thing comes off.

Eurovision Song Contest 2008

Saturday night saw the 53rd Eurovision Song Contest take place in Belgrade, Serbia. Dima Belan for Russia came out on top with his song Believe which got a massive 272 points. Take a look at the performance below – it’s got over-the-top emotion, a violinist AND and an ice-skater – what’s not to like? Oh, and it’s produced by Timbaland. Not that you’d especially notice, listening to the song. Timbaland’s producing everything these days. I think it’s all with the aim of GLOBAL DOMINATION. He’s like the bad guy in a James Bond movie – he’s planning to take over the world through music production.


Poor old Andy Abraham, representing the UK, came last with only 14 points. His song’s really not that bad, trust me. It’s all down to tactical voting in the Eurovision – and considering the UK has no friends in Europe, well, that means it gets no votes!


Andy definitely didn’t deserve to come last. I mean come on! That awful Scooch song from last year (Flying The Flag) actually did better than he did – it came third from bottom.

Something’s not quite right here

 Pete Doherty was sent to jail today. Yes, you read that right. He was sent to jail. No, he wasn’t once again let off by a judge as long as he absolutely promises, crosses his heart and hopes to die that he’ll never touch drugs again. He was actually sentenced to time in the slammer – 14 weeks in fact – for breaking his probation order. It means he’ll have to cancel a number of his gigs, including a performance at Glastonbury in June…ha!

A concert at the Royal Albert Hall, West London, on 26th April was also cancelled, causing his record company to state:

“Peter was very much looking forward to the show and would like to offer his sincerest apologies to all his fans and to all those concerned.”

Really?? He’s offering his sincerest apologies? If he’s actually sorry for messing up for the 79th time and failing those who actually support him and buy his albums and crap…well then, I think it’s okay. Perhaps he should be let off.

Daily Mail: Pete Doherty FINALLY sent to jail after breaching his probation order

Kate Moss – where would famous people be without her?

Lily Allen swapped her normally-dark do for blonde recently, at the advice of Kate Moss. Here’s the result:

Lily Allen

Kate Moss is indeed a good friend to have, and clearly gives great advice. For apparently, Lily was unsure of what to do with her hair:

“Lily was asking Kate what colour she should dye her hair and they came up with blonde”.  

Amazing! No doubt, Kelly Osbourne will next ask Kate what to wear for an upcoming awards do, and Kate will suggest “clothes”; Amy Winehouse will ask Kate what to eat so she puts on a bit of weight, to which the answer will be “food”; and Sadie Frost will ask what her next career step should be, to which Kate will reply “bag yourself a toyboy, have more kids, act all pretend-boho and just generally do nothing of note.”