Monthly Archives: August 2008

Ma, how does this thing called Facebook work?

BBC News reports that Aaron Sorkin, creator of TV drama The West Wing, is due to make a film about the founders of Facebook. As part of Aaron’s exciting preparations for the movie, BBC News reports that he has

even opened a Facebook account to aid his research

Now, that’s not exactly going above and beyond, is it? He’s taken two minutes (three, if he’s especially computer illiterate) out of his day to set up a Facebook page. No so impressive, Aaron!

I want to see some proper research going on. I want to see Aaron Sorkin spend every waking minute of every day from now on updating his profile, adding new photos, tagging people, “find out” what his exes are doing, changing his status (“Aaron has writer’s block, LOL!”), playing Scrabulous…er, scratch that, playing “What Would Be Your Stripper Name?”… I want him to set up his own, completely new, social networking site and grow it into a 100 million user plus website. I want to see him kidnap the actual founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, assume his identity and start living his life for him. I WANT SOME PROPER RESEARCH, I tell you!

Being a celebrity magazine editor – it’s not all that, apparently

Mark Frith used to be the editor of Heat magazine up until very recently. He also used to be the editor of the late, great Smash Hits magazine when I used to read it, which was in 1993/4.

So this guy’s been in the industry for at least 15 years. You think he’d have a juicy story or two about celebs to tell, right? Well, he certainly seems to think so. He’s just about to come out with a book called The Celeb Diaries: The Sensational Inside Story Of The Celebrity Decade. Hmm, snappy title! Part of the book has also just been serialised in the Daily Mail. For Mark Frith’s sake, I’m hoping the newspaper decided to print the really crappy, really boring bits of the book. Because it doesn’t exactly make for fascinating reading.

The problem with it is that he doesn’t actually reveal any scintillating behind-the-scenes goss. Okay, so Frith could well get in trouble for revealing some of that… But all that’s left is a book full of stories about people most people aren’t interested in anymore (Will Young versus Gareth Gates in the Pop Idol final in 2002 – WHO CARES?!; and interview with Jade Goody’s mother – WHY?!?) or some issues he faced as editor. Like having to apologise to Madonna for running an “untrue” story that she was pregnant. Or almost being sued by Jude Law. Yawn.

Here’s something interesting though. In an entry in March 2003, Frith writes:

Our two-week search for pictures of famous people looking terrible has paid off…We’ve got Nicole Kidman with bust padding on show, Jennifer Lopez with cellulite, Cat Deeley with veiny feet, Penelope Cruz with a double chin and Geri Halliwell showing her t*t tape…I bet the readers will love it.

FIVE AND A HALF YEARS LATER we’re still getting this same old crap. If the cover doesn’t proclaim, “TOO THIN CELEBS!”, it’s “BEST BEACH BODIES!” or “CURVY AND PROUD!”. My personal favourite was “BEACH DISASTERS” which included a female celeb – I forget who – who was on the beach with greasy hair. Oh golly, no!!

Time for a new feature idea, Heat?

Heat, recently
Heat, recently

Greatest Puzzles of the 21st Century – Part 3

In celebration of the utter dross that is the new series of the X Factor, today’s question is…

What’s wrong with Dannii Minogue’s face?

Dannii: judging

Seriously, what’s she done to herself? She’s what, 36? In an effort to make herself look younger, she’s made herself look like a 50-something year-old that’s trying waaay too hard to recapture her youthful looks.

And in a related question – why oh why does X Factor still exist? It’s made by morons, showcases morons, and is watched by morons. All to make Simon Cowell even richer.

How Not To Sample (Music)

Following on from the incredibly successful television show, What Not To Wear, TV style guru Gok Wan introduces his latest offering, How Not To Sample, in which he advises up-and-coming bands on where they’ve gone wrong in sampling classic hit music.

I kid, of course. But if this was a real show, the first group he’d be helping would be hot young things (apparently), The Saturdays. Their new single, “If This Is Love”, samples the completely excellent 80s hit “Satisfaction” by Yazoo. But it samples it badly. The song uses the same tiny intro bit repeated over and over. On top of that, the five girls (two of whom used to be in S Club 8…snooze…) sing words the medley of which doesn’t really appear to be related to anything. It’s like when kids make up their own song on the spot.

Take a look at the video, which is equally unexciting:


The Saturdays get ready for a performance in a shop window (in Miss Selfridge on the corner of Oxford Street and Great Portland Street, by the look of things), then strut and lounge around in said window in a sort of moving mannequin-type display. (Which isn’t a patch on the Samantha-from-Sex-and-the-City-comes-to-life in Mannequin.)

Upon completeing their performance, they receive a completely over-the-top response from the crowd outside and their own crew. Which is weird; the crowd on the street presumably didn’t hear them very well through the glass, and their own people wouldn’t have heard them that well either seeing as they were backstage. What is everyone clapping about? That they wore dresses well?!

Let’s ignore them and listen to Yazoo’s original instead:


Now that, is a song.

And a proper music video, come to think about it.

Greatest Puzzles of the 21st Century – Part 2

Another puzzle for you: is Heat written by an very over-excited 12-year-old girl, who is MSN-ing her mates? Lots of the headlines on the site end in exclamation marks!! Some sentences end in dot-dot-dots… (There’s a technical term for that. I don’t know what it is though. Clearly.) And there’s words CAPITALISED to try and show you how EXCITING it ALL is..! Why don’t they just cut the crap and revert to full on text speak? Because tht wld b lts ov fun, LOL…!!!!!!11

Excellent - the weekly crossword answers are out!!
OMG!! The weekly crossword answers are OUT!!!!!!

Here’s one very exciting story, entitled “OMG! Jordan is SO deluded!”. (You see what I mean?) Apparently, the Heat World journalist almost spat out his/her mid-morning coffee upon reading a story about glamour-model Jordan. Yeah, well, I almost stabbed myself in the eye readng the story on Heat World. I think I win.

Essentially, Jordan apparently wants to make a film of her and Peter Andre’s lives and has revealed, to quote Heat World, “who she would like to play her and husband Peter Andre in a movie – and you’ll be VERY amused by her choices”.

Will I? WILL I? Don’t promise what you can’t fulfill, Heat World – will I really be that amused by her choices? Has she said she wants The Queen to play her? Bobby Davro?! A hamster?!! A Texas Instruments TI-80 scientific calculator…?!?! OMG!!!!

No. She wants Angelina Jolie to play her and Keanu Reeves to play Peter.

So there you have it readers. Heat World brings you the extraordinary story that Jordan – the weirdo – wants attractive and hot people to star as herself and her husband should a movie of her life ever be made.

The 80s are back – true story

Popular beat combo Keane have unveiled their new song, Spiralling, and it’s a bit of a departure from their previous material. Scratch that – it’s a hell of a departure from their previous material. It sounds like a random mixture of every new wave band of the early 80s – part Psychedelic Furs, part David Bowie, part…all those other new wave bands…

Keane: The new Tears For Fears
Keane: The new Tears For Fears

The song is available to download for free (!) from Keane Music until Monday 11th August.

Or rather, it’s probably available to download from there. I’ve entered in my email to get the song sent to me and – 24 hours later – it hasn’t arrived. Why do you hate me so, band members of Keane? Is it because I spilt green paint on your pet rabbit in March 2006??

Lindsay provides lamest retort ever

LA’s police chief, William Bratton, this week dismissed plans for the paparazzi in the city to be controlled be deeming it unnecessary. It’s unnecessary because:

If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving, Paris is out of town not bothering anybody, thank God, and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don’t seem to have much of an issue.” 

This guy provides a snappy quote! He should be in the entertainment business or something!

Anyway, to Police Chief Bratton’s comment, Lindsay Lohan responded with:

Police chiefs shouldn’t get involved in everyone else’s business when it comes to their personal life. It’s inappropriate.

Yeah, take that, police chiefs! I think Lindsay’s trying to say that they shouldn’t get involved in people’s personal lives. Except it reads as if she thinks police chiefs’ personal lives shouldn’t involve other people’s business. Or wait…perhaps it’s that police chiefs’ business lives shouldn’t cross over into their personal lives. Or possibly that everyone else’s lives should involve police business…

Hmm. The more I read it, the more I think she just said a random bunch of words together.

Wait a minute, WAIT A MINUTE!! Paris Hilton went out of town? Where did she go?!

Greatest Puzzles of the 21st Century

From Nickleback’s Chad Kroeger – yeah, what is that on Joey’s head?

Take a look at the evidence. Here’s Chad, urging you to take a look at this photograph, because everytime he does it makes him laugh. (That’s a pretty lame reason for looking at a photograph, if you ask me.)

There you go, that’s Joey on the right. It looks like he’s got a beer keg on his head, although that seems a bit possible because surely his neck wouldn’t be able to support such a weight? Unless…it’s an empty beer keg? *gasps* Alternatively, it also kind of looks like he’s got a stack of those metallic cases used to store film reels.

Oh Joey, why do you do such crazy things?!