Category Archives: Bad Behaviour

Bad Behaviour

The Tiger, John and Jesse gang

In my monthly crap-it’s-the-end-of-the-month-and-I-haven’t-written-anything-this-month-better-write-something-quick post, I wonder – why is the current male celebrity trend for multiple mistresses? And by multiple, I don’t mean two, three or four – if your name’s Tiger, anything short of a dozen is just lazy. (I guess the number 16 – the last count of his mistresses – can now be known as a ‘Tiger’.) If you are lazy – and your name’s John and you play for Chelsea – getting together with your former team-mate and (now former) friend’s former girlfriend who also happened to be the (now former) friend of your wife pretty much makes up for any shortage in numbers. That’s a lot of formers.

And now Jesse James, husband of 2010 Best Actress Oscar winner Sandra Bullock is involved in his own cheating scandal, though at (currently) only four women on the side, he appears a bit of a lightweight. So by picking the ugliest women known to man and then mixing in some kind of appreciation to Hitler (Adolf, obviously, rather than Bob or Julian Hitler), he tries to redeem himself. And fails spectacularly.

Note to Tiger – start mentioning in all you interviews, “At least I’m not Jesse James!” Or not even in interviews…maybe just start shouting it on the green…on private planes…in Gillette ads…

None of these guys are worthy of a picture. So here’s something completely different:

What are Croatian WAGs like?

I know it’s the hot topic on everyone’s lips at the moment – so right here, right now, I’ll bring you the answer. Well, sort of.

Let’s take a look at one WAG in particular. She’s called Nives Celsius (catchy name) and you may have already come across her in the British press. She and her husband, Dino Drpic, famously once had sex on the pitch of Dinamo Zagreb’s stadium. Then, their young son was apparently once momentarily snatched whilst they were on holiday on the Croatian coast, as the snatchers thought they had found and were saving Madeleine McCann. (It was all resolved quickly.) Finally – and I don’t believe this was reported in the British press, though I can’t think why – Ms Celsius was pulled over whilst driving by the Croatian police just before Christmas. When asked for her ID, she replied – “Here’s my ID!” and promptly lifted up her top.

Anyways, moving swiftly to the present day-ish. A few weeks ago, writing on her blog, Nives proclaimed that she too had been John Terry’s lover. Actually, no she wasn’t – that particular post title was an error on her part as a result of writing late at night. (Do watch out for me proclaiming the same or similar on this blog one day – I also sometimes write late at night!) The blog post in question still has the title – a correction apparently isn’t warranted – though the actual content of the post is priceless. Basically, Nives advises Mrs Terry to stick with John and forgive him because she’ll never get any better. As she’s “not such a great fish”, she won’t be able to hook another footballer, whilst if they split, John would hook up with a hot model and the public will forgive him pretty quickly; Mrs Terry also otherwise wouldn’t be someone read about “around the world”. And so, according to Nives, WAGs forgive whilst footballers continue to cheat. In fact, having seen the poor quality of English football mistresses, she suggests young Croatian gold-diggers head to England. Hmm. Fair point.

No word on her relationship with Tiger Woods or Ashley Cole, or her advice to Elin Woods and Cheryl Cole.

Noel Gallagher quits Oasis; the nation says “meh”

The BBC News ticker keeps telling me that Noel Gallagher has reportedly left Oasis, according to the Oasis website (which won’t load; I guess all five of us have broken it by trying to access it at the same time). I’d nearly give a shit were I not watching coverage of Kings of Leon from Reading and thinking that they’re pretty freakin’ awesome.

If you can’t be in a “top” rockband and get on with your bandmates, maybe you should give your fans of your many millions back? And if you can’t get on with your “kid” brother, maybe you should just have a scrap in the backyard and break his Barbie doll, or something.

It’s a sad day, I tell you. But we’ll get over it. After all, Peter Andre’s making a comeback. And I hear Michael Bolton’s working on a new album.

Mr & Mrs Beyonce tan, swim, get into a fight in Croatia

Never underestimate the patronising nature of the tabloids…for, trying to describe Beyonce and Jay-Z’s holiday in Croatia this week, the Daily Mail states that:

while her chart contemporaries have been spending the summer sailing around the traditional showbiz haunts of St Tropez and Portofino, Beyonce has broken out and visit [sic] one of Europe’s newest and trendiest hotspots

Wow, what a brave girl! Whilst other celebs are holidaying in “proper” holiday destinations, the brave lass has dragged along her husband to this practically unknown country. I’ve heard people in Croatia live in brick houses, drive four-wheeled cars, eat food and sleep on beds. (Though how can a place be both “new” and “trendy”? And I suppose it’s new only if you pretend the last ten years or so of mass tourism haven’t happened.)

Anyways, so – post dinner in Dubrovnik, the couple and their bodyguard get into an altercation with a paparazzo which saw the photog throw his tripod at their bodyguard (hey, aren’t those things expensive?) who then promptly threw it into the Adriatic sea.

Bodyguard/paparazzi fighting isn’t big or clever, kids, though it can sometimes seem a little bit funny. It also sounds like it could be Sacha Baron Cohen’s next film – “DRAGAN: Don’t mess with this Eastern European paparazzo.”

It’s the BRIT Awards!

The BRIT Awards kick off in just under an hour, and I am LITERALLY excited about this fantastic awards ceremony!


Having said that, don’t the BRIT Awards always somehow seem a bit poor? Compared to American awards ceremonies, I mean. To be honest, that’s not really fair, mainly because America seems to big these ceremonies up so much that they’re advertised and promoted as the greatest and most respected awards ever, and any other country that dares hold their own music/acting/theatre/sports contests etc might as well not bother because they’re only going to be at the same level as a Prettiest Pig Contest in a small Suffolk village.

But you know what the Brits (that’s the nation of people, not the awards ceremony) do waaaay much better? Bad behaviour. This is really why anyone bothers to watch the BRITS – they want to see a repeat of Jarvis Cocker mooning Michael Jackson, or Brandon Block challenging Ronnie Wood to a fight, or something similar to the Sam Fox/Mick Fleetwood presenting disaster, or Chumbawumba tipping water over John Prescott. Actually, scratch that last one – we don’t really want to bring Chumbawumba out of the woodwork, do we? (Or John Prescott back to prominence, for that matter.)

So, this year’s BRITs will be presented by James Corden and Matthew Horne (off of Gavin & Stacey) and Kylie Minogue. Hmmm. I can only imagine the inclusion of Kylie is to make sure the J & Matt don’t get too naughty.

Duffy and Coldplay are the jointly most nominated acts. Hmmm. Can’t imagine either of those two flashing their bits or getting so drunk they start wrestling members of the crowd.

And…Scouting For Girls are nominated in three categories. Hmmm. Or, not “hmmm”, more like “zzzzz”.

On the plus side, Robbie Williams is rumoured to be reuniting with Take That tonight, so he might kick something off.

And David Hasslehoff is supposed to be presenting an award. And where the Hoff goes, good things happen. Or drink. Yes, drink happens.

Sachsgate – exactly who lost out?

So, back in October 2008 – remember that year?  – Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross left some rude messages on 78-year-old Andrew Sachs answerphone during Brand’s Radio 2 show, and then 3 people listened and complained, and then a Daily Mail journalist listened again (Damn you, BBC iPlayer!) and wrote an article about it, then 30,000 Daily Mail readers got upset because the story didn’t involve Princess Di, and then the rest of the media went mad and considered the top news item for three days running, and really, my cat just licked its arse, can I get this as the top story on the News At Ten as it’s right up there with Sachsgate and the nation need to know about it and discuss it at length and hopefully it will be mentioned in parliament too?

Anyway, let’s take a look at how all the central players are doing now:

  • Russell Brand: had to resign from the BBC, which leaves him more time to make a name for himself in Hollywood
  • Jonathan Ross: was given a 3-month suspension, which he has used to full effect by larking around in Florida (hey, who wouldn’t?)
  • Georgina Baillie, aka “The Grandaughter”: before the scandal, was dancing around like a satantic slut but nobody knew her name. Still dancing around like a satanic slut, but now everyone knows her name. (The sounds like an episode of Cheers gone bad.) Well, they’ll know her name for the next 5, 4, 3, 2…

And from today’s news:

  • Andrew Sachs: will be in bloody Coronation Street later this year!

So, to recap, the scandal has made one person famous, allowed another to further their career in Hollywood, given a third their career back and the fourth a chance to faff around in the sun!

Oh yeah, and bored the rest of us…

The Bitch Is Back

Lily Allen and Elton John got into a bit of a bitch-fight last night whilst co-presenting the GQ Men of the Year Awards. Lily, wearing a totally over-the-top gown and a unusually ridiculous hairstyle, was knocking back the champagne throughout the cermony, even keeping a bottle of it hidden under the presenters’ podium. Elton, wearing a boring old suit but sporting his usual ridiculous hair, was sober all evening. (Probably. He’s a boring old rocker. There’ll all sober these days.)

Here’s the best exchange of the night:

Lily: And now the most important part of the night…

Elton: What? Are you going to have another drink?

Lily: F*ck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me.

Elton: I could still snort you under the table.

Lily: F*ck off. I don’t know what you are talking about.

 Here’s ten pointers for Lily Allen:

  1. Don’t argue with music legends, everyone will hate you.
  2. Don’t argue with someone well known for throwing tantrums; whatever you do, he’ll be able to throw an even bigger strop.
  3. Improve your arguing skills in general – you need to make snappier comebacks.
  4. There’s a limit to how many times you can say “f*ck off” in the space of 5 seconds.
  5. Your last comment is poor. You might just as well have gone “URRRR!! WHATEVA!!!!”
  6. Stop being annoying.
  7. The public aren’t going to wait forever for a second album.

Well, there’s seven anyway. The other three Lily’ll have to work out on her own. I can’t do everything for her.

Wardrobe Malfunction Fine Malfunctions

This story really gets a Nelson-from-the-Simpsons style: ha ha!

CBS, broadcasters of the 2004 Superbowl during the half time of which Janet Jackson kind-of exposed her nipple, have had their fine thrown out by a US Appeal Court. The fine, of $550,000, was originally levied by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC). According to the BBC News website:

The court said the FCC had traditionally fined broadcasters for indecent material only when it amounted to “shock treatment” for viewers.

In this case, the footage – lasting “nine-sixteenths of a second” – was too brief to merit such a penalty, it added.

Also according to the BBC, 90 million people saw the incident on TV. 90 million people seeing a nipple exposed for nine-sixteenths of a second?! This is mind-bogglingly shocking. This is also a little too much maths.

So, here’s some video of the incident. Be careful. This really might be the most shocking thing you ever see on the Internet, I’m warning you right now…


Something’s not quite right here

 Pete Doherty was sent to jail today. Yes, you read that right. He was sent to jail. No, he wasn’t once again let off by a judge as long as he absolutely promises, crosses his heart and hopes to die that he’ll never touch drugs again. He was actually sentenced to time in the slammer – 14 weeks in fact – for breaking his probation order. It means he’ll have to cancel a number of his gigs, including a performance at Glastonbury in June…ha!

A concert at the Royal Albert Hall, West London, on 26th April was also cancelled, causing his record company to state:

“Peter was very much looking forward to the show and would like to offer his sincerest apologies to all his fans and to all those concerned.”

Really?? He’s offering his sincerest apologies? If he’s actually sorry for messing up for the 79th time and failing those who actually support him and buy his albums and crap…well then, I think it’s okay. Perhaps he should be let off.

Daily Mail: Pete Doherty FINALLY sent to jail after breaching his probation order

Jimmy Choos + Miss GB + Teddy Sheringham = No Link

Danielle Lloyd

Danielle Lloyd, the former Miss Great Britain (and, of course, an infamous Celebrity Big Brother contestant) was today cleared in the High Court of cheating her way to the title. When she was crowned Miss GB in 2006, one of the judges was Teddy Sheringham. (That’s got to be a classy panel of judges, to have Teddy on board there, eh? Who else was there? Dean Gaffney?!) In a later magazine interview, she claimed that she’d been given a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes as a Christmas present by Sheringham at Xmas 2005 – months before the contest! Lloyd was later stripped of her crown.

However, it now comes to light that she’d lied about the shoe present, and now admits to having been given the shoes as a gift from the Jimmy Choo company. Her lawyer also says that she only met Sheringham for the first time on the night of the Miss Great Britan contest. (Not bad for a day’s work! Judge beauties, leave with the prize!)

Outside court, Lloyd said:

“It was good to get history put right today, because it was a matter of importance to me. I wasn’t a cheat.”

Thank goodness history’s been put right! We can all rest easy now. She’s not a cheat. Only a bit of a fibber about presents from boyfriends…