Tag Archives: TV

New and innovative type of broadcasting from ITV

Way, waaay back in March 2007, I commented on the news that ITV had obtained the rights from the BBC for terrestrial FA Cup games. Warning everyone that the coverage would “suck” (to use a technical term), I told people that they should expect:

…piss-poor presenting, annoying commentry, average analysis…oh, and ad breaks, of course.

Little did I know how much the coverage would suck…and, in a rather suprising move, that ITV would decide to do all of the above at the same time. Like this week, when they decided to switch to an ad break during extra time of the Everton – Liverpool FA Cup fourth round replay, missing the only goal of the game.

But maybe there’s something positive to take from this cock up; perhaps ITV have actually stumbled across a new type of broadcasting. People’s attention spans are getting shorter and shorter these days and, although there’s lots of channels to choose from, getting from one to another to start watching something else involves…pressing a button. That’s hard. So why not just show lots of programming at the same time? Start by showing Dancing On Ice, then just cut to the middle section of the news, then to Phillip and Fern giggling for a couple of minutes on This Morning, then Loose Women gabbing on about some old crap, and finish it off with a bitchfight on Corrie, before going back to someone saying their goodbyes on Dancing On Ice because they’ve just been voted off.

Alternatively, they could always just interrupt their ad breaks with live goals.

Here’s the football/ad break mistake, “as it happened”:


Ab Fab heading to America

Not that I want to be negative or anything, but the news that Absolutely Fabulous is being re-made for American television doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. Seeing as it’s being created for network television station FOX, they’re probably going to strip out all the vulgarity, crudeness, drunkeness, references to bad behaviour, kookiness, the chain smoking sex, old people (so out goes both Edina’s mother AND Patsy) and frumpy daughters until you’re left with two woman that know each other discussing stuff whilst sitting in a kitchen.

Wheres the Bolly?
Where’s the Bolly?

Moreover, Edina Monsoon strikes me as being exceptionally British. I can’t even begin to comprehend that an American version of her would work well…if at all. A vapid, ditsy, mean, self-important, trend-driven but incredibly funny socialite woman? Gotta be British!

The more I think about it, the more I think this is probably the worst choice of show that could possibly be remade for American TV. Seriously, they might as well make their own version of Eastenders – even that would work better.

Just leave it, FOX!

And the next Doctor Who is…

…some young actor called Matt Smith. Oh. Cool.

26-year-old Matt will be the youngest ever Doctor, appearing on our screens in 2010. He’s been in…some…TV stuff before, like the BBC’s Party Animals (not that that’s really going to jog your memories as to who he is) and was apparently a near-immediate choice for the Doctor Who makers when Smith came to audition.

Looking at him, with his skinny lankiness, ever-so-slight awkwardness and his rather elaborate, bouffant hair, he sort of looks like…well…a younger (and English) David Tennant – doesn’t he?

Ah! Which means I totally called it! In yesterday’s post about the next Doctor Who, at number 3 on the list, I wrote that Tenannt would be replaced by a 26-year-old version of himself! Ahahahahahahahahaha! Me = genius!

Well, kind of.

Greatest Puzzles of the 21st Century – Part 5

What on earth is the point of Channel 4’s “Rude Tube” programme? The kind of audience this show is aimed entirely at…are people who have the Internet and will have already seen all of the “Internet’s finest moments”. (Channel 4’s words, not mine.) And, AND given that these are all Internet clips and therefore filmed with cameras of (usually) rather poor quality, showing them on telly is going to make every video look like it’s been filmed in a snowstorm.

AND very few of the clips are actually particularly rude, so what’s with the name?

AND it’s fronted by Alex “failed at Popworld” Zane who is beyond irritating.

Sheesh. Let’s calm ourselves by watching the talking cats:


Doctor, who?

A very exciting news report emerged from the BBC! About Doctor Who! Are you ready?

Doctor doctor, cant you hear us calling, calling?
Doctor doctor, can’t you see I’m burning, burning?

The new Doctor who will be…

*deep breath*

…announced later today! Wowee!!

Pah. I mean, come on! Couldn’t they have just announced which actor will be the next Doctor without having a pre-announcement?

But this does give us some time to reflect on some likely candidates. Here’s my top ten list:

  1. Billie Piper Well, everyone seems really excited about her possibly playing the Doctor, and she was very good as his assistant, so it does kind of make sense etc etc blah blah blah.
  2. Who’s Who In a TV first, the main character will be played by a book. Newspaper reports will, in future, always refer to the tome as Doctor Who’s Who’s Who.
  3. David Tennant In a really random twist of fate, David Tennant will be replacing himself as the Time Lord. David, 37, will be succeeded by David, 26, in a real-life episode where he travels back in time 11 years and brings his younger self to 2009 to replace himself.
  4. The Tardis And why not? It transports the Doctor round on all his adventures, so why don’t they just cut out any human element travelling inside it?
  5. A Dalek This will be a bit like Terminator 2. In the first Terminator, Arnold Schwarzenegger played the bad guy, sent back in time to destroy Sarah Connor. In the second film, he’s the good guy, sent back in time to protect Sarah Connor. So how about one Dalek renouncing his bad Dalek-ness, and becoming the Time Lord? And then fighting against his old Dalek mates? Ooooh, by the way, who’s totally excited about the new Terminator movie this year?! Me! Me!
  6. Talking of which – Christian Bale. Well he seems to be playing every other major character at the moment, so he may as well go ahead an play Doctor Who too.
  7. David Coverdale Hey, why not? This is my list, I can say who I want. Get your own list if you don’t agree.
  8. Doctor Fox He’s already a doctor, so he wouldn’t have to take any exams or earn any qualifications like all Doctor Who actors must do, I presume, in order to play the role. Talking of which, when did DJ Neil Fox drop the “Doctor” from his name?
  9. A cat Any cat. My cat, your cat, this cat, that cat. Because cats rule. And then, instead of any dialogue, they should just have giant captions on screen in the style of I Can Has Cheezburger.
  10. Patterson Joseph He’s apparently the favourite to take over the role. And I say, but of course – he’s Johnson from Peep Show!! Johnson from Peep Show can do EVERYTHING! It would be even better if Patterson Joseph played Doctor Who AS Johnson from Peep Show. That would rock.

File This Under Awesome

Saturday Night Live has done it again! By “again”, I mean make a brilliant pop “song” that is easily good enough to be an actual song, and one that somehow involves Justin Timberlake except it doesn’t involve him as much this time as the last time because he doesn’t actually sing or do much but just appear in the video.

Oh, whatever. Here it is:


The Daily Mail have also got into the act by having an article about the video. Without mentioning the title of the video. Or what it’s about. Or the main actors in it. Or anything else except that Justin’s in it, dressed as a janitor.

He’s in it for two seconds! I didn’t even notice him the first time I saw it! And they make a whole story out it?

File this under “Noooooooo!!”

So bright! It hurts my eyes!
So bright! It hurts my eyes!

When the BBC are getting part of its staff to make crank calls to waiters from Barcelona, they’re going around making stupid decisions like this. Today, the Coporation confirmed that there will be NO Top Of The Pops Christmas special this year. Although the weekly programme itself was taken off our screens a couple of years ago, the jovial yuletide extravaganza continued to be shown.

But alas, not any more.

First of all, let me say, “noooooooo!”. Then secondly, “why?”

Top of the Pops and Christmas Day go together like the colours pink and blue on a neon logo – i.e. nearly perfectly. The TOTP Christmas special is tradition, something to watch to remind yourself of the year’s musical highs and lows whilst you wait for your mum to cook lunch.

And more to the point, what are they going to put it it’s place? More of The Two Ronnies? And hour-long Queen’s speech? High School Musical 1, 2 and 3? Aardman Animations can’t crank out new Wallace & Gromits each year!

Just stick to TOTP, Beeb.

And people want to see the main programme resurrected too. There’s me, The Ting Tings, Adam Ant and the Kaiser Chiefs – a stellar combination of people. If we can only get Five Star and Milli Vanilli onboard, maybe the BBC will listen to us.

“Cactus Kid” ads pulled…what a shame

The really rather creepy “Cactus Kid” television adverts – for the soft drink Oasis – have been pulled off our screens after receiving complaints from viewers. The adverts feature a cactus man and his young, pregnant lover who go on the run after they’re shunned by society because of their relationship, and also because of their dislike of water…which causes them to drink a lot of Oasis.

32 viewers complained about the inappropriate ads, stating that they condoned teenage pregnancy and depicted under-age sex. And sex with a cactus man! That’s got to be illegal too, no?!

The Advertising Standards Agency (ASA) ruled against the adverts and have now banned them. Here’s the first of the series of ads:


Whilst all the above is true, what really gets my goat is the tagline for the drink – “for people who don’t like water.” Excuse me? What kind of idiots don’t like water? Whilst some of us may not drink it as much as we should, and it may not always be the appropriate beverage in all situations (water doesn’t really feature in many wedding toasts) it’s WATER. It doesn’t taste of anything. How can you not like something that doesn’t taste of anything? I assume these same people who don’t like water also complain about the smell of oxygen, and how the colour of air really annoys them.

Needless to say, 17 people also complained about the advert promoting Oasis as a substitute for water, which could be thought of as being “irresponsible and could discourage good dietary practice”. Good on you, 17 people!

Oasis have also been running a tie-in website, Run Cactus Kid Run, which allows people to decide the next step of this Cactus Kid/young girl story from three different versions. The winning entry for the end of the saga shows a twist in the tale. There’s also happy and sad endings; having just wanted the sad version, I’m now more peturbed about this Cactus Kid idea than annoyed. *shivers and cries*

Strictly Come to the hairdressers right now, that’s a shockingly bad haircut

Hooray for the new series of Strictly Come Dancing! Our lives are complete again. This past Saturday saw the second episode of the new series, in which the girls took a spin on the dancefloor for the first time.

There’s nothing outstandingly bad to report from the show. Well, apart from some of the hairstyles. Judge Craig Revel Horwood has decided to adopt a ridiculous half-mullet, causing little tufts of hair to stick out from behind his ears. (I suppose, luckily for him, that’s better than tufts being in his ears.) I don’t know how he expects to be all mean and nasty with such a stupid haircut.

Worse still is Jessie Wallace, aka Kat “You cahn’t tell me wot to do, you’re not my muvva! YES AIII AAAAAMMM!!” Slater from Eastenders. Jessie has decided to sport a sharp, jet black bob, reminiscent of Catherine Zeta Jones’s character in Chicago. Something tells me Jessie Wallace deliberately went for this hairstyle for Strictly Come Dancing in the hope that people would mistakenly think that she’s actually a talented dancer. It’s not going to work, Jessie. It also reaaallly doesn’t suit you, dear.


Greatest Puzzles of the 21st Century – Part 3

In celebration of the utter dross that is the new series of the X Factor, today’s question is…

What’s wrong with Dannii Minogue’s face?

Dannii: judging

Seriously, what’s she done to herself? She’s what, 36? In an effort to make herself look younger, she’s made herself look like a 50-something year-old that’s trying waaay too hard to recapture her youthful looks.

And in a related question – why oh why does X Factor still exist? It’s made by morons, showcases morons, and is watched by morons. All to make Simon Cowell even richer.