Monthly Archives: October 2008

File this under “Noooooooo!!”

So bright! It hurts my eyes!
So bright! It hurts my eyes!

When the BBC are getting part of its staff to make crank calls to waiters from Barcelona, they’re going around making stupid decisions like this. Today, the Coporation confirmed that there will be NO Top Of The Pops Christmas special this year. Although the weekly programme itself was taken off our screens a couple of years ago, the jovial yuletide extravaganza continued to be shown.

But alas, not any more.

First of all, let me say, “noooooooo!”. Then secondly, “why?”

Top of the Pops and Christmas Day go together like the colours pink and blue on a neon logo – i.e. nearly perfectly. The TOTP Christmas special is tradition, something to watch to remind yourself of the year’s musical highs and lows whilst you wait for your mum to cook lunch.

And more to the point, what are they going to put it it’s place? More of The Two Ronnies? And hour-long Queen’s speech? High School Musical 1, 2 and 3? Aardman Animations can’t crank out new Wallace & Gromits each year!

Just stick to TOTP, Beeb.

And people want to see the main programme resurrected too. There’s me, The Ting Tings, Adam Ant and the Kaiser Chiefs – a stellar combination of people. If we can only get Five Star and Milli Vanilli onboard, maybe the BBC will listen to us.

Well, I think iTunes should **** ***

…that’s shut off…while they fix this problem…of course…

iTune’s Music Store suffered a glitch today after it randomly starting censoring words that…didn’t really need censoring. Words such as “hot”, “killer”, “teen* and “johnny” (amongst others) started appearing with those oh-so-naughty asterixes instead. Here’s an example:

Th*s *s ****
Th*s *s ****

I can’t believe they’re censoring Johnny Hates Jazz, now no one will buy their music!


Oh no, my mistake, this is shit
Oh no, my mistake, this is shit

Of course, I’m sniggering about this now, but maybe this is another small sign that computers are slowly taking over? Skynet will be switched on and the world will slowly start to resemble the exact storyline from The Terminator…and only John Conner will be able to save us.

Not just yet though. We’ll probably have to wait until iTunes finishes censoring everything, to the point where all songs will look like *****’ ** * ****** – *** **** or maybe even ******* (** * *** * ********** ** ***) – * ***** ** ********.
(That’s Livin’ On A Prayer – Bon Jovi and Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You) – A Flock Of Seagulls…but you totally already guessed that, right?)

It’s Monday! Video Time!

80s videos can’t always be about people standing around looking good, with great clothes, big hair and fantastic make-up. Sometimes they need a storyline too. A deep, dark, gut-wrenching, ever-so-slightly-seedy storyline. With great clothes, big hair and fantastic make-up. And preferably where everyone breaks out into dance.


Everyone RELAX! Good news about Madonna!

Apparently, Madonna’s staying in this country. Phew. When she and Guy divorce, it seems that the pair of them will be able to stay in the same country after all. Assuming that Guy stays here, of course, and doesn’t instead – in an ironic twist of fate – take up with a baseball player, tie a red piece of string around his wrist and run off to an African country and adopt twenty orphan babies.

But it’s not surprising that Madonna should choose to stay here. The UK is a pretty rocking country. It has houses, roads, air, trees, cows, libraries, traffic lights, Keith Chegwin…why would anyone choose to live anywhere else?

In fact, there’s a whole host of other celebrities that want to set up home here. Like Paris Hilton, who says:

“I love it here, I am going to move here permanently. I have already been here for one month and am much, much happier here. I love guys with English accents. I have met a really cute English guy, but it’s early days.”

Woah-ho-ho! English guys! Aren’t you the lucky ones, in with a chance of going out with Paris Hilton?! And with Paris Hilton, that pretty much means every English guy out will get a shot of…err…dating her.

And only last week, teen pop sensation Miley-daughter-of-Billy-Ray-Cyrus also spoke of a wish to move to our fair nation:

“I’ve phoned my dad and told him not to expect me home. I want to live here.

I’ve already fallen in love with 20 guys since I’ve been here. The accents sound so intelligent. I love the way the guys are so classy and wear trench coats.”

Putting aside this whole obsession with English accents that you share with Paris, here’s a tip for you, Miley – stay away from the guys in trench coats. Really. They’re not the kind of men you want to be hanging around with, quite frankly.

Coming soon to a town near you
Coming soon to a town near you

UFO? Or maybe just a little too much sambuca?

This kind of sounds like something from the X  Files. No wait, it’s a little too light-hearted for the X Files. Make that “it’s like something from a 1980s comedy thriller”.

Modern interpretation of a UFO
Modern interpretation of a UFO

The National Archives have released their “UFO Files”, documenting apparent UFO sighting from 1986 to 1992. The best sighting is by an Alitalia pilot in 1991, on a plane bound for Heathrow. Upon seeing a brown, missile-shaped object he warned his co-pilot to “look out!”. Pretty helpful advice, methinks. “Beppe dere isa something ina sky! Looka out!”

Let me see, a brown, missle-shaped object? Could it perhaps be…a brown missile? The Ministry of Defence thought not, and also ruled out it being a space rocket or a weather balloon. Yup, I believe the official file says “Beppe and Alessandro were on the sambuca again. CASE CLOSED.”

Disclaimer: This post has slightly xenophobic undertones, and also uses a very obvious joke. Sorry. It’s just a joke. I’m also not suggesting that Alitalia are all drunken idiots. Bankrupt – yes, drunken idiots – no.

Oh, and I’ve also stolen Perez Hilton’s writing on pictures thing.

Wow, least original post ever. Let that be a lesson for me.

The decline of X Factor starts here…hopefully…

Who watches X Factor? Why? What is remotely interesting about it? Unknowns singing (sometimes strangling) known songs week in week out – to quote Pink, so what? This, of course, is after the much publicised auditions where you either have to be not quite right in the head by believing yourself to be the next Whitney Houston when in fact your voice sounds like a dying cat so everyone laughs at you, or have some kind of dramatic sob story so the programme makers will devote half an hour to you.

I’d like to see the following happen at an X Factor audition:

Simon Cowell: “Why are you here today, why do you want to win the X Factor?”
Auditionee: “I…*sniff*…split some coffee on my favourite top today and I really want to prove to everyone…*tear rolls down cheek*…that I’m not just about spilling drinks on myself, but that I’m actually quite talented…”

So, we’ve come to that time of year where last year’s winner is required to release some music. Leon Jackson’s song, Don’t Call This Love, charted yesterday at number three. But, ha ha! Comedian Peter Kay’s X Factor spoof – contestant Geraldine McQueen from Britain’s Got The Pop Factor – managed to chart one place higher at number two. Awesome.

Here’s Geraldine’s beautiful song:


And here’s boring old Leon Jackson by comparison:


If I were Leon Jackson, I’d be majorly pissed off. And not just about charting one place behind a guy that’s parodying the contest you were in. I mean, Leon’s won what’s supposed to be the UK’s best talent competition (there’s something very wrong about those last few words) and then after one quick single to ensure the Christmas number one, they’ve waited ten months before releasing any new material. And that’s the lead single they’ve decided to give him?!?! Can no one write him a decent pop song? This one is appallingly bad. It sounds like something Robson and Jerome would have rejected.

Although who brought us the singing sensations that were Robson and Jerome? That’s right, Simon Cowell. *sighs*

Exactly how much money does Jon Bon Jovi have?

It’s a question I often think about…when I’m not debating this topic with my friends, or mulling it over with my plants. I mean, he has written and performed some the greatest songs of all time (Livin’ On A Prayer; You Give Love A Bad Name; Wanted Dead Or Alive, the keyboard-tastic Runaway…and other songs not from the 80s) which must have at least earnt him twenty quid by now. Like many of us, he’s got a part-time job on the side – he’s dabbled with acting (e.g. Ally McBeal) which has given him a bit of extra dosh. And, let’s face it, he’s got awesome hair and teeth which probably means that people just throw money at him all the time.

Well, someone out there thinks Jon Bon is clearly *LOADED*. Not just loaded or LOADED, but *LOADED*. A guy called Samuel Bartley Steele from Boston (the city, not the 70s band) is suing Jon Bon Jovi for $400 billion. Yes, really, $400 billion. $400 BILLON. *$400 BILLION* Is this guy perhaps a world leader in disguise that’s realised they don’t actually have the funds for their intended financial crisis solution and so is instead resorting to suing rock stars?

Dude, youre suing me for how much?!
Dude, you’re suing me for how much?!

Anyways, the reasoning behind the madness is that Steele claims Jon Bon Jovi stole the lyrics and chorus from one of his songs. Steele’s song is called (Man I Really) Love This Team, Bon Jovi’s is I Love This Town. Team, town, if they both love something, the should be happy…no?

But what if the joke’s on us, and Jon Bon Jovi really does have that much money? I’m beginning to wonder now. I had a crush on this guy back in the 90s. Did I make a mistake in growing up and stopping my teenage obsession, and not going on to marry him like I thought I would? Uh oh.

Let me think that over whilst watching the excellent Runaway, as mentioned above. I don’t think they used enough smoke machines, though…


“Cactus Kid” ads pulled…what a shame

The really rather creepy “Cactus Kid” television adverts – for the soft drink Oasis – have been pulled off our screens after receiving complaints from viewers. The adverts feature a cactus man and his young, pregnant lover who go on the run after they’re shunned by society because of their relationship, and also because of their dislike of water…which causes them to drink a lot of Oasis.

32 viewers complained about the inappropriate ads, stating that they condoned teenage pregnancy and depicted under-age sex. And sex with a cactus man! That’s got to be illegal too, no?!

The Advertising Standards Agency (ASA) ruled against the adverts and have now banned them. Here’s the first of the series of ads:


Whilst all the above is true, what really gets my goat is the tagline for the drink – “for people who don’t like water.” Excuse me? What kind of idiots don’t like water? Whilst some of us may not drink it as much as we should, and it may not always be the appropriate beverage in all situations (water doesn’t really feature in many wedding toasts) it’s WATER. It doesn’t taste of anything. How can you not like something that doesn’t taste of anything? I assume these same people who don’t like water also complain about the smell of oxygen, and how the colour of air really annoys them.

Needless to say, 17 people also complained about the advert promoting Oasis as a substitute for water, which could be thought of as being “irresponsible and could discourage good dietary practice”. Good on you, 17 people!

Oasis have also been running a tie-in website, Run Cactus Kid Run, which allows people to decide the next step of this Cactus Kid/young girl story from three different versions. The winning entry for the end of the saga shows a twist in the tale. There’s also happy and sad endings; having just wanted the sad version, I’m now more peturbed about this Cactus Kid idea than annoyed. *shivers and cries*

The Halle Berry Game

The BBC News website are playing a very exciting game with us today:
What is Halle?
What is Halle?

Indeed, what could Halle Berry – one of the world’s most beautiful women and a fine actress (mostly, anyway) possibly be voted as by men’s magazine Esquire? My top guesses were:

  • Best Snail
  • Top Makeup Wearer
  • Awesomest Use of Eyes
  • World’s Greatest Retro Computer User
  • No. 1 iPhone Application Creator

But no! It’s none of these! Halle has instead been voted “Sexiest Woman Alive” by Esquire readers. I know, weird, huh?