Tag Archives: Reality TV

Britain’s Got To Stop Making Simon Cowell Richer

Reality TV

Seriously.

Tonight is the final of Britain’s Got Talent. I’m not going to be watching – why would I? I have a life. Actually, that’s not true. But I am booked in to watch paint dry for a few hours this evening.

Britians got some people that can do stuff
Britian’s got some people that can do stuff

The finalists include an older lady that sings really well; a younger girl that sings really well; a young boy that sings really well; a dance act; another dance act; a poodle that sings really well; a badger acrobatic troupe; and a man that stands on two legs for over 30 seconds. Or something.

But what is the point of this show? It’s not to showcase the “talent” that Britain actually has. It’s not to discover the next singing sensation. It’s not even to bring a little light entertainment into our lives. It’s just to line the pockets of Simon Cowell even further. I hear that he needs a second £20 million LA mansion to house all of his trousers – well, they are double height, an ordinary closet just won’t do.

For God’s sake, people of Britain, STOP! Just stop encouraging this man!

Although there is a way he might have some use. I propose another reality TV programme starring him – Destroying Simon Cowell. I don’t mean actually getting rid of him, I just mean making him stop giving us all of these pathetic talent and singing shows, that really only interest complete numpties. Oh, and destroying him in a financial and business sense. I mean, he’s the guy that’s brought us the utter shit that is Sinitta, Robson & Jerome and Zig & Zag, on top of all his TV show nonsense. Not to mention a smug face that only a mother wouldn’t want to punch.

So: Destroying Simon Cowell – One Man. Millions of pounds. It’s up to you to make him bankrupt.

Filth Factor, more like

Music, Reality TV

Now, given my extreme dislike of the show, I don’t actually watch the X Factor, of course. But over the weekend, I may have accidentally switched over to the dark side…sorry, ITV…when it was on. Only to be confronted by a screeching woman (Diana Vickers, murdering Call Me by Blondie) who had forgotten to put half her clothes on:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlUYVe9I5xo]

Seriously, X Factor people, you need to adivse your contestants better. But at least she’ll get Simon Cowell’s vote, eh?

The decline of X Factor starts here…hopefully…

Music, Parody, Reality TV, The Charts,

Who watches X Factor? Why? What is remotely interesting about it? Unknowns singing (sometimes strangling) known songs week in week out – to quote Pink, so what? This, of course, is after the much publicised auditions where you either have to be not quite right in the head by believing yourself to be the next Whitney Houston when in fact your voice sounds like a dying cat so everyone laughs at you, or have some kind of dramatic sob story so the programme makers will devote half an hour to you.

I’d like to see the following happen at an X Factor audition:

Simon Cowell: “Why are you here today, why do you want to win the X Factor?”
Auditionee: “I…*sniff*…split some coffee on my favourite top today and I really want to prove to everyone…*tear rolls down cheek*…that I’m not just about spilling drinks on myself, but that I’m actually quite talented…”

So, we’ve come to that time of year where last year’s winner is required to release some music. Leon Jackson’s song, Don’t Call This Love, charted yesterday at number three. But, ha ha! Comedian Peter Kay’s X Factor spoof – contestant Geraldine McQueen from Britain’s Got The Pop Factor – managed to chart one place higher at number two. Awesome.

Here’s Geraldine’s beautiful song:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3vduTe6nkQ]

And here’s boring old Leon Jackson by comparison:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhsO-qsDT00]

If I were Leon Jackson, I’d be majorly pissed off. And not just about charting one place behind a guy that’s parodying the contest you were in. I mean, Leon’s won what’s supposed to be the UK’s best talent competition (there’s something very wrong about those last few words) and then after one quick single to ensure the Christmas number one, they’ve waited ten months before releasing any new material. And that’s the lead single they’ve decided to give him?!?! Can no one write him a decent pop song? This one is appallingly bad. It sounds like something Robson and Jerome would have rejected.

Although who brought us the singing sensations that were Robson and Jerome? That’s right, Simon Cowell. *sighs*