So, over the last few weeks, Eurovision 2009: Your Country Needs You has been running on BBC1 – a show to find the UK’s entrant for this year’s Eurovision…of course…after a few utterly dismal years where the UK came low down in the rankings, or last, or finished with negative points, or something. So this Eurovision 2009: YCNY thing would find a brilliant singer (or singers) and then give them a song composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber and written by Diane Warren. The former I’m not overly excited about – sure, Sir Andrew has composed some good stuff, meh, whatever – but the latter, wow! Diane Warren is a prolific songwriter, having written some of the greatest hits of the last few decades, including all kinds of Grammy and Oscar-nominated songs. AND songs that haven’t been award-nominated but obviously should have been, including:

• If I Could Turn Back Time – Cher
• Don’t Want To Miss A Thing – Aerosmith
• How Can We Be Lovers – Michael Bolton
• Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now – Starship

So, this led me to believe we’d get some hair metal/80s-style song – awesome! Alas, we are left with this (performed by the Eurovision 2009 winner, Jade):

[youtube:http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=eADt1lFpmCA&feature=channel]

*sighs* Kind of boring, huh? And Jade’s clearly a good singer…but we already have Leona Lewis, we don’t really need another one. Bookies are already offering odds on her coming last in the Eurovision Song Contest. Maybe we should have gone down this route:

[youtube:http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=y1oUDuH627A]

And all Jade would need to do would be to cut a few holes in her catsuit (see article below) and put on a leather jacket. Easy!

• Daily Mail: So can this girl turn the Eurovision tide? No, say bookies, she’s a cert to come last

Criticised over the past few years for it’s stupid countries-for-their-neighbours thing, the Eurovision Song Contest is going to bring back voting by juries. Hooray! Because really, ordinary people can’t be trusted. We need experts judging this show. They know true musical genius when they hear it.

Clearly, though, the UK’s problem is that it doesn’t have many friends in Europe. Well, that and the fact that there’s not enough of a community of Brits in any one country for them to help out in voting. In this year’s contest, only Ireland and San Marino gave Britain votes. I guess that means San Marino has loads of Brits living in it?

Below is a video of all the funny moments in Eurovision voting history. It’s over eight and a half minutes long. You see how much hilarity has been created in the 52 years that the contest has been running? Superb.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=am–zMCjSPc]