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Is there nothing straight about this movie?!

80s, Film,

Top Gun “star” Kelly McGillis has announced to the world that’s going to be hanging out with a lot more women in the future, as she outed herself as a lesbian in a recent online interview. In a strikingly vague declaration, McGillis announced that she her next partner would “definitely be a woman” and that she was “done with the man thing. I did that, I need to move on in life”. Hmmm, dunno guys – it sounds like there’s a possibility that you could tempt her back.

The Daily Mail apparently seem to think that this is Hollywood’s worst kept secret. Well, excuuuse me! I never knew. But maybe that’s because I don’t live in Hollywood. Or maybe they mean Hollywood from the 1986 Andrew McCarthy/Kim Cattrall vehicle, Mannequin. Yeah, it’s the kind of secret he’d probably know AND struggle to keep quiet about.

So Top Gun, when it doesn’t have oiled, topless men diving around, playing volleyball; innuendo-filled dialogue (“You can be my wingman anytime” … “You can be mine!”); or the least connvincing love scenes ever now finds itself with a lesbian actress playing the main flight instructor. Why was a woman teaching all this “macho” men how to be fighter pilots anyway? I can’t remember. The last two times I’ve watched Top Gun has been with the sound on mute so I could play my iPod instead. Seriously.

Oh, in answer to the question in the title – of course there’s something straight about the movie! Raging hetero Tom Cruise, of course!

And, as an aside: the soundtrack’s darn good.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dT59FXkS93Q]

What’s worse than lightweight? Because I think you might be it…

The Apprentice

The Apprentice starts next week!! Oh wait, sorry…

THE APPRENTICE STARTS NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the best shows on TV – right up there with Come Dine With Me and Freaky Eaters – starts its fifth series next Wednesday, 25th March at 9pm on BBC1.

Today the sixteen contestants were revealed. Last year I blogged a guide to each one of them. This year, I can’t be bothered. Well, at the moment, anyway, so take a look here to see them all – BBC – The Apprentice and below:

Theyre very small...or perhaps just far away
They’re very small…or perhaps just far away

Also announced today is that one of the contestants will quit the show before the first task even commences. Accordingly to cuddly Sir Alan, this male contestant suddenly realised that he’d (possibly) be away from his family for 12 weeks, and could no longer go through with participating on the show. Kind of weak, really. Perhaps the producers could introduce a new first task: making sure that everyone realises they are actually participating in The Apprentice and will have to do, like, things for it and that it’s reasonably tough and people might be mean to them, and that if they have other commitments or job offers or can’t figure out child care (like Katie Hopkins in series 3) then maybe they shouldn’t actually take part? Problem is, that might wipe out three quarters of the contestants and make for a really short season. Oh well.

Eight days and counting til the first “You’re Fired”!

I’d say wooooooo!! YES!! But Sir Alan wouldn’t like it…

It’s Monday! Video Time!

It's Monday!

Kenny Loggins is great. He’s the singer of some of the greatest movie songs ever (Danger Zone from Top Gun; I’m Alright from Caddyshack; and Footloose from, er, Flashdance). He has a gorgeously impressive beard. And he can slam a car door at the same time as an important drum beat. (See the video.)

Typical 80s-ness here – the actual storyline is a little puzzling, but at least the song is supreme. The middle beat makes me want to body pop down and alleyway with Kevin Bacon.

The general moral of the video seems to be that bespectacled geeks can help with all your problems.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vORYIaKiD_4]

It’s the BRIT Awards!

Award Ceremonies, Bad Behaviour, Music,

The BRIT Awards kick off in just under an hour, and I am LITERALLY excited about this fantastic awards ceremony!

Wow
Wow

Having said that, don’t the BRIT Awards always somehow seem a bit poor? Compared to American awards ceremonies, I mean. To be honest, that’s not really fair, mainly because America seems to big these ceremonies up so much that they’re advertised and promoted as the greatest and most respected awards ever, and any other country that dares hold their own music/acting/theatre/sports contests etc might as well not bother because they’re only going to be at the same level as a Prettiest Pig Contest in a small Suffolk village.

But you know what the Brits (that’s the nation of people, not the awards ceremony) do waaaay much better? Bad behaviour. This is really why anyone bothers to watch the BRITS – they want to see a repeat of Jarvis Cocker mooning Michael Jackson, or Brandon Block challenging Ronnie Wood to a fight, or something similar to the Sam Fox/Mick Fleetwood presenting disaster, or Chumbawumba tipping water over John Prescott. Actually, scratch that last one – we don’t really want to bring Chumbawumba out of the woodwork, do we? (Or John Prescott back to prominence, for that matter.)

So, this year’s BRITs will be presented by James Corden and Matthew Horne (off of Gavin & Stacey) and Kylie Minogue. Hmmm. I can only imagine the inclusion of Kylie is to make sure the J & Matt don’t get too naughty.

Duffy and Coldplay are the jointly most nominated acts. Hmmm. Can’t imagine either of those two flashing their bits or getting so drunk they start wrestling members of the crowd.

And…Scouting For Girls are nominated in three categories. Hmmm. Or, not “hmmm”, more like “zzzzz”.

On the plus side, Robbie Williams is rumoured to be reuniting with Take That tonight, so he might kick something off.

And David Hasslehoff is supposed to be presenting an award. And where the Hoff goes, good things happen. Or drink. Yes, drink happens.

It must be great to be Madonna

Film, Madonna
News reaches me that Madonna wants to play Wallis Simpson in a new film about the Duchess of Windsor. According to the Daily Mail,

The popstar is rumoured to have her heart set on starring as Wallis, whose affair with King Edward VIII – the Queen’s uncle –  sparked a royal crisis after he abdicated his throne to marry her.

Madonna reportedly ‘sees similarities’ between herself and the twice-divorced beauty as they were both from the U.S. and married Englishmen.

This is – to use a…word – spectacular. It must be fantastic to be someone like Madonna, to get an idea in your head, and then to just go out and do it. And it must be especially awesome to to want to do something which, in many ways, is so similar to your own life. I mean, the Daily Mail only specify that both Madonna and Wallis Simpson were from America and both married English guys. They didn’t go on to point out that both were women; both have the letter ‘a’ in their first name; both have been to France; both married into British royalty; and both have dated Dennis Rodman. [Note to self: fact-check the last two points.]

This leads me nicely into the fact that I have my heart set on playing Susan in a remake of Desperately Seeking Susan. Susan, of course, was played by Madonna. I see similarities with Madonna, as we both want to star as other people in movies.

Madonna, with friend, as Wallis Simpson
Madonna, with friend, as Wallis Simpson

Because, and only because, I have my heart set on making my own version of Desperately Seeking Susan, production on the movie with commence next week.

It’s really that easy, folks. Follow your dreams.

It’s Monday! Video Time!

It's Monday!

Oh, did you read that study that came out last week? You know, the one about Music History, undertaken by Important Scientists from the Univerisity of Clever People? In which it was scientifically proven that this is the best song in the history of music ever made EVER…?

You know they’re right. You know I’m right. You know you’re right. We’re ALL right.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ip1zsUIosoA] 

Can you go away now, please?

Celebrity Kids

No no no, not you. Or you. You’re certainly very welcome here! *winks* Nor you. That thing you do with your ear kind of annoys me but, err, I guess you can stay.

Yes, it’s you – Peaches Geldof – that I’m talking to. So, after six months of marriage, you’ve decided to get a divorce. Wow. I’m not surprised, horrified, pleased or experiencing any kind of dramatic emotion upon hearing this story. I’m just rather puzzled that the fact that you got married made the news a while back and the fact that you are now divorcing has made the news too…and inbetween you’ve given countless interviews about your married life too.

Hello, Sir Bob? Theres something else I need to tell you...
Hello, Sir Bob? There’s something else I need to tell you…

You and your darling hubby issued a statement over the weekend announcing your split. Reasonably well-written (so probably written by your husband), it said:

After much soul-searching we have made the mutual decision to end our marriage and have agreed to go our separate ways. Our parting is amicable and both of us still respect and care about each other immensely. There were no other people involved in this decision and we both look forward to a future as good friends.

Now, in fairness to these two, this seems to be a standard statement issued by any celebrity couple when they split up. Celebs probably have it installed as as a “Press Statement: Divorce” template in Microsoft Word.

What I want to know is a) why do all celebrity statements like this involve the term “soul-searching”, and b) how does one issue a statement to the press? Can anyone do it? Is it done by email? Could I email the Daily Mail know with my statement:

After much soul-searching, I have made the decision to take a break in the next 15 to 20 minutes to have a cup of tea. No third party was involved in this choice and I remain committed to all other aspects of my life besides making a cup of tea. This does not in any way affect my respect for other beverages and I look forward to imbibing them as well at some point in the future. I would please ask the media and the public to respect my decision in this difficult time.

New and innovative type of broadcasting from ITV

Crazy, Sport, TV,

Way, waaay back in March 2007, I commented on the news that ITV had obtained the rights from the BBC for terrestrial FA Cup games. Warning everyone that the coverage would “suck” (to use a technical term), I told people that they should expect:

…piss-poor presenting, annoying commentry, average analysis…oh, and ad breaks, of course.

Little did I know how much the coverage would suck…and, in a rather suprising move, that ITV would decide to do all of the above at the same time. Like this week, when they decided to switch to an ad break during extra time of the Everton – Liverpool FA Cup fourth round replay, missing the only goal of the game.

But maybe there’s something positive to take from this cock up; perhaps ITV have actually stumbled across a new type of broadcasting. People’s attention spans are getting shorter and shorter these days and, although there’s lots of channels to choose from, getting from one to another to start watching something else involves…pressing a button. That’s hard. So why not just show lots of programming at the same time? Start by showing Dancing On Ice, then just cut to the middle section of the news, then to Phillip and Fern giggling for a couple of minutes on This Morning, then Loose Women gabbing on about some old crap, and finish it off with a bitchfight on Corrie, before going back to someone saying their goodbyes on Dancing On Ice because they’ve just been voted off.

Alternatively, they could always just interrupt their ad breaks with live goals.

Here’s the football/ad break mistake, “as it happened”:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qUx3RPdlcM&feature=related]