Okay, so I realise that you’d probably only need to do one of the actions in the title to avoid X Factor…but my little tip for everyone is to do ALL THREE in case it somehow manages to infiltrate your home like some weird bubbling virus in a horror movie, emerging from your sinks and creeping out from under the floorboards.*

The fourth series of X Factor returns this Saturday, 18th August. I can’t think why. Okay, sure, the initial few programmes which show all the auditions are vaguely entertaining, but only because of the contestants that are so hopeless you have to wonder why they’re there in the first place. (And why do so many of them claim something along the lines of “But I AM a good singer! My family/friends/deaf dog have always told me that!”)

But once we get to the finals…*shudder*. Week after week after week after week of endless singing, voting, fake arguing from the judges. It makes me feel like this:

And at the end of it, we get some artist who will be the Xmas number one with a rubbish song, and from then on will gradually fade into oblivion. Oh yeah, and Simon Cowell will be several millions of pounds richer.

* I don’t know if such things happen in horror movies, I don’t watch them. If not, they should definitely make a horror movie with this plot.