Whilst trawling through various news and gossip websites today, I came across the worst eight words…EVER. I’m actually pretty surprised that world isn’t close to ending, now that these eight words seem to be out there, spreading themselves freely and making their merry way through the country’s population. You know the thing – lakes drying out, birds falling out of the sky, chairs coming to life, cows starting to read The Sun. That kind of thing.

What are these words? Well, since they’re already in existence as one full sentence, I guess it doesn’t really matter if I repeat them:

The X Factor returns to ITV1 on Saturday.

PLEEEEEEEEASE, NOOOOOOO!! Urgh. I can’t believe this utter crap is coming back to our TV screens once more – don’t they ever learn? Do we really need to see FOUR MONTHS of what’s clearly one of the worst TV programmes ever in existence – a show that’s a mix of laughing at mentally retarded people; playing up people’s sob stories for extra effect; over the top coverage of these horribly preening judges (yes, Cheryl Cole and Dannnnniiiiiiii, we get it, you wear nice dresses sometimes); Simon Cowell’s stupid “horrified” look; Louis Walsh’s mad grinning; endless bad singing (and that’s from the “talented” lot); annoying overnight “celebrities” who are really just fat, teenage boys; and an eventual winner who most likely doesn’t have the X factor and will fade into obscurity pretty quickly. (Hello, Steve Brookstein! Hello Shane Ward! Hello boy with spiky hair!)

• BBC News: X Factor ‘exploits’, says Equity (It does far worse, Equity. It does far worse.)