Back in whenever, I blogged about Gwyneth Paltrow’s new website, Goop. Back then, it was literally just a page with some pretty icons and a brief paragraph by Gwynnie. Well, turns out the sly little minx has actually been doing some work on the site…damn her! How dare she actually add content! You’re going to get a bad name around us website owners, missy.

Anyways, Gwyn has this week presented a detox diet for us to follow. Why? Well, in her own words:

It is that time of year, folks. I need to lose a few pounds of holiday excess.

Yeah right, holiday excess? She ate two slices of wholegrain, low calorie, low fat, low sodium, low sugar, low taste, low coloured, non-existant toast over the Christmas period? I can’t possibly imagine that she actually gorged on chocolates and mince pies and cake and drank so much champagne on Christmas Day that she was already passed out by the time the Queen’s speech came on.

Anyways, the answer to losing these pounds is to detox. And Gwyneth has helpfully supplied us with a detox diet that she’ll be using, so we can follow it too! Here’s day one from the detox:

7am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature lemon water
8am: Herbal tea
10am (breakfast): Blueberry and Almond Smoothie
11:30am: Coconut water*
1:30pm (lunch): Salad with Carrot and Ginger Dressing
4pm (snack): A handful of mixed pumpkin and sunflower seeds
6pm (dinner): Broccoli and Arugula Soup
*Make sure that the coconut water has no added sugar. Fresh is ideal but the brands Zico or Vita Coco are readily available.

Okay, if I rise at 7am and don’t have breakfast til 10, several people will be stabbed in the ear during those hours. And then if all I get the rest of the day is salad and soup, well…puppies and kittens will be smushed together and burned.

Oh, just to point out – that tip about no added sugar in the coconut water? That’s not for health reasons. It’s because Chris Martin is fueled on that same sugar, so the more we consume…they less there will be of him. Think about that for a minute.

Below is what actual goop looks like. Maybe Gwyneth could add this to the detox plan?

• Goop