Hoorah! The Apprentice is FINALLY back. And it’s just as good as ever.

The 16 contestants were thrown right into the deep end in Wednesday’s episode – they met Sir Alan, who explained their task, and were then told to go out there and do it. No settling in, no making themselves comfortable in their house, no getting to know each other. Straight in there. I like it. I like it a lot.

A few initial obversations. Firstly, the girls all seem to wear a surprising amount of make-up! I mean, I know they’re on telly, but surely gold eyeshadow (as Lindi was wearing) is a little OTT? Secondly, I said Lucinda was a Katie Hopkins lookalike, minus the crazy pink lipstick. I take this back. She is a Katie Hopkins look alike FULL STOP. Well, with a crazy dress sense, and a natty pink beret. And finally – is it just me, or is Sir Alan turning into a hedgehog?

So, after learning of the task, the two teams went off to mull over group names. The boys chose “Renaissance”. The girls, “Alpha”. Hmmm. Then off they ran to their vans of fish – for it was a fish-selling task, you see – to get identifying and labelling. The teams had to sell £600-worth of fish at a market…after they’d figured out what each fish actually was, and then pricing it all up. Both of these tasks are clearly harder than it seems, as both teams had trouble doing either. What also suprised me was that both teams chose Islington’s Chapel Market. We weren’t told what the other three possible locations were, but I think it would have been more interesting to see the teams operate at different markets.

Here’s a bit of advice for you: if you want your fish (head) battered, don’t ask Simon to do it for you. Because here’s what will happen: (40 seconds in)

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPdPg-aHR5k]

Well, the girls won the task, bringing in more profit. The boys, meanwhile, not only lost but decided to go down in a blaze of glory, bickering and cat-fighting. Team leader Alex chose to bring in the poshos, Raef and Nicholas…the two that had bickered the most. And I was right. Hedgehog Alan…sorry, Sir Alan…clearly wasn’t impressed by Nicholas’s fancy qualifications, and uttered the two most scary words in the English language…”Marry me.”

No, I kid! Of course, it was: “You’re fired!”