Desperately Seeking Something

Dear Lily Allen,

I just found a really cool logo for your anti-piracy crusade:

After all, something about “killing music” and being “illegal” – perfect.

Though I don’t understand what this “taping” is.

Yours,

DesperatelySeekingSomething.com

Just so you know, I have not renegotiated my record contract and have no plans to make another record. I do, however, remain a fan of new music, so this is not some selfish crusade.

Well, okay – what she’s actually saying is that she’s currently not about to record a new album. That doesn’t mean she isn’t going to. I currently have no plans have a snack, juggle knives, stop trying to stay awake, or star in a big-budget Hollywood movie. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to do any of these things at some point in my life…year…day.

More amusingly, however, are reasons why her blog on illegal downloading has disappeared. Not only was some of the content lifted (or rather, just not properly attributed, as she later claimed) from elsewhere (Techdirt), and not only did it feature “illegal” scans of newspaper articles, but her website contains – or did contain – “mixtapes” made by her a few years ago, featuring snippets of music, used without permission, of course, from other artists.

Oops. I really don’t agree with her stance on illegal file sharing for various reasons, but I suppose she should be commended for taking a stance on something she, supposedly, is strongly against. But maybe she should have thought “it” (her blog; being so vocal on the matter) through a  little more. Especially because, as a young singer that’s only been a popular artist for the last few years, she’s bound to have got where she is today by people illegally downloading her music and getting to find out who she is.

Plus, if you get someone like Lily Allen banging on about illegal music downloading on a makeshift blog, you just know everyone’s going to jump on it and try and catch her out in any way possible. Which they did. Ooops.

• The Guardian: Lily Allen to quit music? Don’t bet on it
• Techdirt: A Teaching Moment For Lily Allen
• BoingBoing: Lily Allen’s copyright problem

This happened aaaaages ago but, y’know, I can’t possibly write about properly current events as it’s a little passe and anyway, it’s much more fun rehashing stuff ages after it’s happened. (Tomorrow’s post: new technological advancement called “The Internetz” will allow you to look at FREE pictures of cats with funny captions in the privacy of your own home.)

But here’s Florence off of Florence and The Machine doing a cover of Beyon’ce’s (that’s a spelling mistake, but I like it – Ms Knowles should consider using it) Halo from Jo Whiley’s Live Lounge back in June. It took place on the 24th June, in fact – the day before Michael Jackson died. Coincidence? I think not.

Am I alone in thinking this is one of the worst, most painful cover versions…EVER? I don’t deny Florence is talented and that she normally has a good voice when doing her own songs, and that she’s got that whole unusual vocal/slightly different sound/kooky image thing going on that’s refreshing and new if Kate Bush hadn’t have existed.

According to Wikipedia (so who know’s if this is true or not – but having a vague memory of the show and the listener comments that came in that day, I suspect it is):

…host Jo Whiley stated that it was one of the best covers they have ever had in the Live Lounge.

And I think…really? Really? Am I listening to the same thing? Do I have my computer speakers on a “bad singing” setting? Are the foxes playing up in the garden again? Has my hearing gone all wrong? Is everyone mental? Are people being too polite to say anything?

Oh God, it’smy hearing, isn’t it? Oh no…noooooooooo….

The BBC News ticker keeps telling me that Noel Gallagher has reportedly left Oasis, according to the Oasis website (which won’t load; I guess all five of us have broken it by trying to access it at the same time). I’d nearly give a shit were I not watching coverage of Kings of Leon from Reading and thinking that they’re pretty freakin’ awesome.

If you can’t be in a “top” rockband and get on with your bandmates, maybe you should give your fans of your many millions back? And if you can’t get on with your “kid” brother, maybe you should just have a scrap in the backyard and break his Barbie doll, or something.

It’s a sad day, I tell you. But we’ll get over it. After all, Peter Andre’s making a comeback. And I hear Michael Bolton’s working on a new album.

• BBC News: Noel Gallagher “quitting Oasis”

Madonna’s released a “teaser” clip from her upcoming video and song – because, you know, we just can’t wait until it’s actually out. Here it is:

This may be one of the funniest things I’ve seen. SERIOUSLY. My initial thoughts were exactly as this post’s title – and I’m obviously not referring to the younger guy in the video, who is in fact Madonna’s toy boy, Jesus Luz. (Get over yourself, woman. The guy’s a model. You don’t have to give him a career.)

I mean the other guy. Okay, so it’s not Sanch but actually Paul Oakenfold. BUT WHAT IS HE DOING? Is he having some kind of fit? Is he on one of those Power Plate workout machines? Has a child of his recently given birth to a child – which is why he’s dancing like a grand-dad? Why does he look like such a moron? Who thought this would look good in the final cut of the video? Ohhh…

Maybe Madonna had a falling out with him…and MEANT to show him like that. Ohhh…

Never underestimate the patronising nature of the tabloids…for, trying to describe Beyonce and Jay-Z’s holiday in Croatia this week, the Daily Mail states that:

while her chart contemporaries have been spending the summer sailing around the traditional showbiz haunts of St Tropez and Portofino, Beyonce has broken out and visit [sic] one of Europe’s newest and trendiest hotspots

Wow, what a brave girl! Whilst other celebs are holidaying in “proper” holiday destinations, the brave lass has dragged along her husband to this practically unknown country. I’ve heard people in Croatia live in brick houses, drive four-wheeled cars, eat food and sleep on beds. (Though how can a place be both “new” and “trendy”? And I suppose it’s new only if you pretend the last ten years or so of mass tourism haven’t happened.)

Anyways, so – post dinner in Dubrovnik, the couple and their bodyguard get into an altercation with a paparazzo which saw the photog throw his tripod at their bodyguard (hey, aren’t those things expensive?) who then promptly threw it into the Adriatic sea.

Bodyguard/paparazzi fighting isn’t big or clever, kids, though it can sometimes seem a little bit funny. It also sounds like it could be Sacha Baron Cohen’s next film – “DRAGAN: Don’t mess with this Eastern European paparazzo.”

• Daily Mail: Bootylicious Beyonce shows off her curves as she holidays in Croatia with husband Jay-Z
• MTV.com: Jay-Z, Beyonce’s Bodyguard Battles Paparazzi In Croatia
• TMZ.com: Jay-Z’s Bodyguard Charged for Tripod Toss
• Jutarnji.hr (in Croatian)

Whilst trawling through various news and gossip websites today, I came across the worst eight words…EVER. I’m actually pretty surprised that world isn’t close to ending, now that these eight words seem to be out there, spreading themselves freely and making their merry way through the country’s population. You know the thing – lakes drying out, birds falling out of the sky, chairs coming to life, cows starting to read The Sun. That kind of thing.

What are these words? Well, since they’re already in existence as one full sentence, I guess it doesn’t really matter if I repeat them:

The X Factor returns to ITV1 on Saturday.

PLEEEEEEEEASE, NOOOOOOO!! Urgh. I can’t believe this utter crap is coming back to our TV screens once more – don’t they ever learn? Do we really need to see FOUR MONTHS of what’s clearly one of the worst TV programmes ever in existence – a show that’s a mix of laughing at mentally retarded people; playing up people’s sob stories for extra effect; over the top coverage of these horribly preening judges (yes, Cheryl Cole and Dannnnniiiiiiii, we get it, you wear nice dresses sometimes); Simon Cowell’s stupid “horrified” look; Louis Walsh’s mad grinning; endless bad singing (and that’s from the “talented” lot); annoying overnight “celebrities” who are really just fat, teenage boys; and an eventual winner who most likely doesn’t have the X factor and will fade into obscurity pretty quickly. (Hello, Steve Brookstein! Hello Shane Ward! Hello boy with spiky hair!)

• BBC News: X Factor ‘exploits’, says Equity (It does far worse, Equity. It does far worse.)

Although, why do we use the word “staycation” anyway in this country? We don’t actually use the word “vacation” in the first place. Harumpf.

Anyways, you know the situation. You’re a pooch and your human may be willing to put up with the crappy weather the UK is having this summer, but it won’t fly with you. You start bringing home brochures to Carribean holidays; you bark every time that weird Thomson Holidays-creating-a-beach ad which always drags on far too long is on; you act all enthusiastic when your neighbours come round brandishing their holiday snaps; and you get so close with booking a Ryanair flight to Ibiza only to get foiled by the credit card booking fees as they’re too high and you can’t remember where you’ve put your debit card and then the booking expires and OH WHY IS THIS SO HARD.

So, you’ve really got to take matters into your own hands…er…paws. And for a dog, that’s surprisingly easy. You simply hop on a train to your nearest airport and fly out! Ha ha ha, take that!

But you get foiled by some more stupid humans. Why do they hate you so?!

• BBC News: Runaway dog takes airport train

You know the old saying – you learn something new everyday. And you really do – I literally learn a new thing every day. But I figure that I shouldn’t keep all this wisdom to myself – oh no. I should probably let everyone know about what I’ve taken on board, so that they too can benefit from such useful knowledge.

So here, readers, is a new regular feature (regular in the sense that only as regular as I can be bothered to update it, knowing full well I’ll probably get bored in three months’ time) on this blog.

And today’s thing that I learnt that I want to share with everyone?

Jude Law’s real name is Dave.

You know the 80s, right? It was basically one big mess of a decade. So much so that now – nearly two decades after the 1980s finished – we’re having to resolve everything that the crazy people in the 80s got up to.

Like this. Aussie pop giants (I…hope…they…are?) Men At Work are being sued for plagirism over their 1981 hit, Down Under. A music publisher says that the flute part of the ditty is taken directly from a Girl Guides song, which it owns the copyright of. Though it only bought the copyright in 1990. And though Men At Work dispute this. Hmmm. And the music publishing company only started proceedings after similarities between the two songs were pointed out on a TV music quiz. I’m guessing some kind of Never Mind The Buzzcocks shenanigans.

What do you think? I’m not too sure myself, I personally find it hard to say. See below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNT7uZf7lew

Which got me thinking…which other great 80s hits might have been lifted from other songs back in the day? Duran Duran’s Rio? Adam & The Ants’s Prince Charming? Sonia’s You’ll Never Stop Me From Loving You? Oh please God no, don’t say it’s the last one!

• BBC News: Men At Work face plagiarism case