I know that you’re the kind of person that swings from one ill-advised obsession to another, so start planning the next fixation that will consume you more than knitting does. (I’ve totally read you – huh? HUH?!?!?!)

Over in the U.S. just before Christmas, I caught the first episode of a new MTV reality series – Jersey Shore. 8 very proud Italian Americans – 4 guys, 4 girls – get put into a house in a small town on the shore in New Jersey during summer, working (sort of) in their landlord’s souvenir tat shop by day, and partying hard by night.

Oh wow, fascinating, I bet you’re thinking? Yeah, well, I hear your sarcasm! I know you think it sounds a bit like Big Brother set on the seaside, or a ethnically focused Real World. Or any other handful of other recent reality TV shows, let’s face it. (The Apprentice without the enterprise? X Factor without the horrible manipulation? Pretty much exactly like I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here without Ant & Dec?)

Oh boy – if you’ve seen it, you wouldn’t be saying “faaascinating? in your scarcastic, bored tone. For this show is pure brilliance. And I say this even though I’ve only seen one episode – three times (long story). You will never have seen hair as big, clothes so small or lacking several sections, abs so chiselled, fake tan so dark and fist pumping (in clubs…to music…) so loud and proud. Best of all are the names some of characters go by – Sweetheart, The Situation, JWoww and star of the show, Snooki. Oh darling Snooki!

This show’s all over America in a big way – both good and bad. Whilst ratings have been high, even beating one of MTV’s most popular shows, The Hills, certain groups and companies have trashed it, claiming it shows Italian Americans or the Jersey shore area in a bad light. Some advertisers have even pulled out of screening their ads during the series – including that bastion of the Italian American community, Dominos Pizza.

Any British equivalent would probably be aired on Zany! TV Sky Channel 893 at 12.30am on a Friday – or possibly be screened primetime on ITV1. It would have obnoxious, not loveable, cast members and be watched by a handful of people either drunk, home from their Friday night out, or waiting for Corrie to come on.

I can’t find any proper Jersey Shore clips to back up my post (oh boy…perhaps I should have checked before I started writing) so you’re going to have to trust me on this one. Though here’s a little clip from a newscast featuring one of the defining moments of the first series:

Whilst trawling through various news and gossip websites today, I came across the worst eight words…EVER. I’m actually pretty surprised that world isn’t close to ending, now that these eight words seem to be out there, spreading themselves freely and making their merry way through the country’s population. You know the thing – lakes drying out, birds falling out of the sky, chairs coming to life, cows starting to read The Sun. That kind of thing.

What are these words? Well, since they’re already in existence as one full sentence, I guess it doesn’t really matter if I repeat them:

The X Factor returns to ITV1 on Saturday.

PLEEEEEEEEASE, NOOOOOOO!! Urgh. I can’t believe this utter crap is coming back to our TV screens once more – don’t they ever learn? Do we really need to see FOUR MONTHS of what’s clearly one of the worst TV programmes ever in existence – a show that’s a mix of laughing at mentally retarded people; playing up people’s sob stories for extra effect; over the top coverage of these horribly preening judges (yes, Cheryl Cole and Dannnnniiiiiiii, we get it, you wear nice dresses sometimes); Simon Cowell’s stupid “horrified” look; Louis Walsh’s mad grinning; endless bad singing (and that’s from the “talented” lot); annoying overnight “celebrities” who are really just fat, teenage boys; and an eventual winner who most likely doesn’t have the X factor and will fade into obscurity pretty quickly. (Hello, Steve Brookstein! Hello Shane Ward! Hello boy with spiky hair!)

• BBC News: X Factor ‘exploits’, says Equity (It does far worse, Equity. It does far worse.)

Seriously.

Tonight is the final of Britain’s Got Talent. I’m not going to be watching – why would I? I have a life. Actually, that’s not true. But I am booked in to watch paint dry for a few hours this evening.

The finalists include an older lady that sings really well; a younger girl that sings really well; a young boy that sings really well; a dance act; another dance act; a poodle that sings really well; a badger acrobatic troupe; and a man that stands on two legs for over 30 seconds. Or something.

But what is the point of this show? It’s not to showcase the “talent” that Britain actually has. It’s not to discover the next singing sensation. It’s not even to bring a little light entertainment into our lives. It’s just to line the pockets of Simon Cowell even further. I hear that he needs a second £20 million LA mansion to house all of his trousers - well, they are double height, an ordinary closet just won’t do.

For God’s sake, people of Britain, STOP! Just stop encouraging this man!

Although there is a way he might have some use. I propose another reality TV programme starring him - Destroying Simon Cowell. I don’t mean actually getting rid of him, I just mean making him stop giving us all of these pathetic talent and singing shows, that really only interest complete numpties. Oh, and destroying him in a financial and business sense. I mean, he’s the guy that’s brought us the utter shit that is Sinitta, Robson & Jerome and Zig & Zag, on top of all his TV show nonsense. Not to mention a smug face that only a mother wouldn’t want to punch.

So: Destroying Simon Cowell – One Man. Millions of pounds. It’s up to you to make him bankrupt.

Now, given my extreme dislike of the show, I don’t actually watch the X Factor, of course. But over the weekend, I may have accidentally switched over to the dark side…sorry, ITV…when it was on. Only to be confronted by a screeching woman (Diana Vickers, murdering Call Me by Blondie) who had forgotten to put half her clothes on:

Seriously, X Factor people, you need to adivse your contestants better. But at least she’ll get Simon Cowell’s vote, eh?

Who watches X Factor? Why? What is remotely interesting about it? Unknowns singing (sometimes strangling) known songs week in week out – to quote Pink, so what? This, of course, is after the much publicised auditions where you either have to be not quite right in the head by believing yourself to be the next Whitney Houston when in fact your voice sounds like a dying cat so everyone laughs at you, or have some kind of dramatic sob story so the programme makers will devote half an hour to you.

I’d like to see the following happen at an X Factor audition:

Simon Cowell: “Why are you here today, why do you want to win the X Factor?”
Auditionee: “I…*sniff*…split some coffee on my favourite top today and I really want to prove to everyone…*tear rolls down cheek*…that I’m not just about spilling drinks on myself, but that I’m actually quite talented…”

So, we’ve come to that time of year where last year’s winner is required to release some music. Leon Jackson’s song, Don’t Call This Love, charted yesterday at number three. But, ha ha! Comedian Peter Kay’s X Factor spoof – contestant Geraldine McQueen from Britain’s Got The Pop Factor - managed to chart one place higher at number two. Awesome.

Here’s Geraldine’s beautiful song:

And here’s boring old Leon Jackson by comparison:

If I were Leon Jackson, I’d be majorly pissed off. And not just about charting one place behind a guy that’s parodying the contest you were in. I mean, Leon’s won what’s supposed to be the UK’s best talent competition (there’s something very wrong about those last few words) and then after one quick single to ensure the Christmas number one, they’ve waited ten months before releasing any new material. And that’s the lead single they’ve decided to give him?!?! Can no one write him a decent pop song? This one is appallingly bad. It sounds like something Robson and Jerome would have rejected.

Although who brought us the singing sensations that were Robson and Jerome? That’s right, Simon Cowell. *sighs*

In celebration of the utter dross that is the new series of the X Factor, today’s question is…

What’s wrong with Dannii Minogue’s face?

Seriously, what’s she done to herself? She’s what, 36? In an effort to make herself look younger, she’s made herself look like a 50-something year-old that’s trying waaay too hard to recapture her youthful looks.

And in a related question – why oh why does X Factor still exist? It’s made by morons, showcases morons, and is watched by morons. All to make Simon Cowell even richer.

 Tonight in the U.S. sees the start of The Celebrity Apprentice. Well, what with the writers’ strike, they’ve got to fill the airtime somehow, eh?

14 “celebrities” (that word’s gotta be in quotes, it’s a reality TV show after all) will take part in usual Apprentice style tasks, not to win a job with Donald Trump, but to raise $250,000 for their chosen charity. Collectively, the group seek to raise over $1 million for various charities. Still, I think maybe one or two would appreciate a job at the end of it as well.

So, who are the 14? Well, most aren’t know to a UK reader. There is, however, a Baldwin brother (you know, one of the “other” Baldwins), Romanian super-child-athlete Nadia Comaneci, Gene Simmons out of Kiss, Lennox Lewis and Piers Morgan. Yes, you read that right, Piers Morgan. How is this man becoming a global superstar?? He’s most famous in the U.S. for being a judge on America’s Got Talent – how’d he get that job in the first place? Still, the official Celebrity Apprentice website has an interesting write-up on him:

Morgan studied journalism at Harlow College, beginning his career in local south London newspapers. He was then spotted by Kelvin MacKenzie of The Sun and given his own showbiz column, Bizarre.

He lives in London and East Sussex and is a devoted Arsenal fan.

So apparently his nine-years spent editing one of Britain’s most popular newspapers, The Daily Mirror, doesn’t warrant a mention? Well, I supposed he was sacked from that job – for authorising the publication of faked photos of British soldiers absuing Iraqi prisoners. Someone’s trying to gloss over this, clearly…

• NBC: The Celebrity Apprentice
• BBC News (2004): Editor sacked over ‘hoax’ photos

This year’s version of Celebrity Big Brother, now known as Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack, begins tonight. Following on from last year’s highly controversial series in which contest Shilpa Shetty was racially bullied, Channel 4 have decided to reformat the programme. The month-long show will now feature twelve bright 18-21 year olds, who each excel in a particular field. Meanwhile, the role of “Big Brother” will be played by various celebrities, who will set tasks and create house rules. Celebrity Big Brothers include Little Britain star Matt Lucas (who kicks proceedings off today), Ian Wright and Joan Rivers.

Have I put you to sleep yet? Doesn’t this sound deadly dull? I mean, the “normal” Big Brother that happens during the summer isn’t exactly riveting telly, but this sounds like an absolute snooze.

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack host Dermot O’Leary even thinks so…sort of. Dermot told Radio 1’s Newsbeat that it was a “mistake” to change the show’s format, and that he thought the old version was still “a good show “. I agree. To avoid anything like last year events, they’d just have to avoid including incredibly ignorant contestants who think that making racist comments is actually just a bit of a laugh and not upsetting or worrying.

• BBC News: O’Leary criticises Brother revamp
• Channel 4: Big Brother official website

Well, it’s all going off this year. As if celeb women aren’t getting up the duff – ahem – creating the beauty that is life with their long-terms partners/people they’ve just met, everyone else is getting hitched. As evidenced by news today that a top pop star is to get married. Alright, a pop star is to marry. Oh, okay, a person who has sung pop songs at some point in his life is heading up the aisle.

Yep, that’s right, Gareth Gates is going to marry his long-term girlfriend! Sorry ladies, that love god is taken. Gareth, 23, is to marry his long-term girlfriend Suzanne Mole, 32. The couple have been dating for five years and got engaged on New Year’s Eve.

This does lead to the question – how does an item such as this get into the press/media outlets?? Does he release a statement? Does he call up a tabloid and announce he proposed to his girlfriend a few days ago? Congratulations to him, but do the majority of people in this country really care??

• The Sun: Gareth is Gate-ing married