Madonna’s released a “teaser” clip from her upcoming video and song – because, you know, we just can’t wait until it’s actually out. Here it is:

This may be one of the funniest things I’ve seen. SERIOUSLY. My initial thoughts were exactly as this post’s title – and I’m obviously not referring to the younger guy in the video, who is in fact Madonna’s toy boy, Jesus Luz. (Get over yourself, woman. The guy’s a model. You don’t have to give him a career.)

I mean the other guy. Okay, so it’s not Sanch but actually Paul Oakenfold. BUT WHAT IS HE DOING? Is he having some kind of fit? Is he on one of those Power Plate workout machines? Has a child of his recently given birth to a child – which is why he’s dancing like a grand-dad? Why does he look like such a moron? Who thought this would look good in the final cut of the video? Ohhh…

Maybe Madonna had a falling out with him…and MEANT to show him like that. Ohhh…

The popstar is rumoured to have her heart set on starring as Wallis, whose affair with King Edward VIII – the Queen’s uncle -  sparked a royal crisis after he abdicated his throne to marry her.

Madonna reportedly ’sees similarities’ between herself and the twice-divorced beauty as they were both from the U.S. and married Englishmen.

This is – to use a…word – spectacular. It must be fantastic to be someone like Madonna, to get an idea in your head, and then to just go out and do it. And it must be especially awesome to to want to do something which, in many ways, is so similar to your own life. I mean, the Daily Mail only specify that both Madonna and Wallis Simpson were from America and both married English guys. They didn’t go on to point out that both were women; both have the letter ‘a’ in their first name; both have been to France; both married into British royalty; and both have dated Dennis Rodman. [Note to self: fact-check the last two points.]

This leads me nicely into the fact that I have my heart set on playing Susan in a remake of Desperately Seeking Susan. Susan, of course, was played by Madonna. I see similarities with Madonna, as we both want to star as other people in movies.

Because, and only because, I have my heart set on making my own version of Desperately Seeking Susan, production on the movie with commence next week.

It’s really that easy, folks. Follow your dreams.

• BBC News: Madonna ‘to star as American mistress to former Prince of Wales’

Apparently, Madonna’s staying in this country. Phew. When she and Guy divorce, it seems that the pair of them will be able to stay in the same country after all. Assuming that Guy stays here, of course, and doesn’t instead – in an ironic twist of fate - take up with a baseball player, tie a red piece of string around his wrist and run off to an African country and adopt twenty orphan babies.

But it’s not surprising that Madonna should choose to stay here. The UK is a pretty rocking country. It has houses, roads, air, trees, cows, libraries, traffic lights, Keith Chegwin…why would anyone choose to live anywhere else?

In fact, there’s a whole host of other celebrities that want to set up home here. Like Paris Hilton, who says:

“I love it here, I am going to move here permanently. I have already been here for one month and am much, much happier here. I love guys with English accents. I have met a really cute English guy, but it’s early days.”

Woah-ho-ho! English guys! Aren’t you the lucky ones, in with a chance of going out with Paris Hilton?! And with Paris Hilton, that pretty much means every English guy out will get a shot of…err…dating her.

And only last week, teen pop sensation Miley-daughter-of-Billy-Ray-Cyrus also spoke of a wish to move to our fair nation:

“I’ve phoned my dad and told him not to expect me home. I want to live here.

I’ve already fallen in love with 20 guys since I’ve been here. The accents sound so intelligent. I love the way the guys are so classy and wear trench coats.”

Putting aside this whole obsession with English accents that you share with Paris, here’s a tip for you, Miley – stay away from the guys in trench coats. Really. They’re not the kind of men you want to be hanging around with, quite frankly.

• Daily Mail: I’m having an amazing time in London…
• Showbiz Spy: Miley Cyrus Hints at UK Move

Yes, okay, so the actual song is pretty funky, and overall the video isn’t that bad:

But c’mon Madonna -PLEASE PUT YOUR CROTCH AWAY.

We get it, you look good for a woman of your age. But writhing around half-naked isn’t going to prove anything. It’s just going to disgust us.

Madonna’s new single got played on French radio over the weekend and, of course, is now out there on the Internet. Listen to 4 Minutes To Save The World.

Doesn’t the backing beat sound like something from an 80s computer game? I’d consider myself a Madonna fan, but that just gave me a headache. And now I feel nauseous. Uh oh. This isn’t going to turn out well.

Listen at your peril!

Ahhh, New York. New York in the 80s. Er…New York in the 80s with Madonna stomping around and posing. What’s not to love?

 
Madonna in the 80s – the good old days

In honour of her Madgesty’s 50th birthday next year (and my! She doesn’t look a day over 49!), the all-round entertainer is due to re-release some of her greatest hit singles as downloads in a battle to beat Elvis Presley’s record of the most UK number ones. I’m not entirely sure this makes sense though – I’ve just done a check on iTunes, and plenty of her old songs are available for sale there. If hundreds of thousands of us in the UK bought Into The Groove right now, that’d be number one this Sunday, right? Oh well, the blaze of publicity at this attempt won’t hurt her, I suppose.

She’d better get a move on, though! Elvis has had 21 chart-toppers, but Madonna has only had 12 number ones. Ooh, it’s gonna be tough, girl! In fact, she’s also behind The Beatles (18 number ones), Cliff Richard (14) and Westlife (14). Ha ha, perhaps that’s a more attainable target – beating Cliff Richard and Westlife!

WAIT A MINUTE!! Westlife have had 14 number ones?!?! British record-buying public, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS??

• The Sun: Madge aims to take on Elvis
• Everyhit.co.uk: Number 1s

No, I’m not being paid to write this…but as a tie-in to the movie, there’s a great website – SimpsonizeMe.com - which lets you turn yourself into a Simpsons character. Or rather, it lets you upload a photo and turn that into a character. Fun! Well, for five minutes, at least. Of course, the photos don’t have to be yourself…here’s Madonna as a Simpsons’ character (she’s at the gym, obviously, like she always is):

Maybe I’m getting this wrong, but today’s announcement about the Live Earth concerts (to take place at 7 venues around the world on 7.7.07 – ooh, how snappy!) seemed to concentrate heavily on the fact that Madonna is to perform at the London gig. Which is great, I know that she’s a major artist, but a lot of other acts will be there too! The line-up for the London event isn’t half bad, I don’t think: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters, Duran Duran, Snow Patrol, Beastie Boys, Keane, Razorlight, Black Eyed Peas, Bloc Party. Well, some of it’s good…bit of a mix in all. Tickets will be priced at £55 and pre-registration starts this Friday, 13th April. Tickets will then go on sale next Wednesday.

Livenation – UK Tickets and more info on the whole event at Live Earth

A huge advertising hoarding promoting Madonna’s H & M line was vandalised in London yesterday. The massive advert is located near Old Street, East London, and depicts Madonna wearing some of her own designs. Vandals managed to scale the back of the hoarding, cut a whole in Madonna’s eye and then pour lurid green paint through it, so the overall effect made it look as if she was crying.

The hoarding is already being replaced. But I like it – it looks a lot more artistic than the original! And hey, anything to distract from the clothes…

 This Is London – Graffiti Vandals Make Madonna “Weep” In Poster