No no no, not you. Or you. You’re certainly very welcome here! *winks* Nor you. That thing you do with your ear kind of annoys me but, err, I guess you can stay.

Yes, it’s you – Peaches Geldof – that I’m talking to. So, after six months of marriage, you’ve decided to get a divorce. Wow. I’m not surprised, horrified, pleased or experiencing any kind of dramatic emotion upon hearing this story. I’m just rather puzzled that the fact that you got married made the news a while back and the fact that you are now divorcing has made the news too…and inbetween you’ve given countless interviews about your married life too.

You and your darling hubby issued a statement over the weekend announcing your split. Reasonably well-written (so probably written by your husband), it said:

After much soul-searching we have made the mutual decision to end our marriage and have agreed to go our separate ways. Our parting is amicable and both of us still respect and care about each other immensely. There were no other people involved in this decision and we both look forward to a future as good friends.

Now, in fairness to these two, this seems to be a standard statement issued by any celebrity couple when they split up. Celebs probably have it installed as as a “Press Statement: Divorce” template in Microsoft Word.

What I want to know is a) why do all celebrity statements like this involve the term “soul-searching”, and b) how does one issue a statement to the press? Can anyone do it? Is it done by email? Could I email the Daily Mail know with my statement:

After much soul-searching, I have made the decision to take a break in the next 15 to 20 minutes to have a cup of tea. No third party was involved in this choice and I remain committed to all other aspects of my life besides making a cup of tea. This does not in any way affect my respect for other beverages and I look forward to imbibing them as well at some point in the future. I would please ask the media and the public to respect my decision in this difficult time.

• Daily Mirror: Peaches Geldof to divorce Max Drummey after 186 days of marriage

Peaches Geldof…

…seriously, who gives a shit?

Baby Spice gave birth to her first child today – a boy named Beau. What?! That’s kind of hard to say! Poor kid. This brings the total number of Spice children to seven – three for Victoria, two for Mel B, and one for Geri. Only Mel C has yet to have a sprog.

Hmm, Spice Children. Sounds like a spin-off band. Kind of like S Club 7 and their younger counterparts, S Club Juniors. In fact, they nearly have enough for a mini-Spice Girls, what with there being four girls amongst these kids. I suppose Victoria’s three sons can be backing dancers, or something.

• Bunton gives birth to baby Beau