Tag Archives: Music

The biggest non-upset upset in UK chart history (or is it just about Christmas number ones?)

Music, The Charts,

Well done everyone! We’ve done it! We’ve beaten the evil kitten-eater Simon Cowell and the winner of his spreadsheet talent contest The Excel Factor, Steve Brookstein, in their bid to get the Christmas number one with their cover of Disney starlet Billy Ray Cyrus’s hit, The Fall. (Yeah, that sentence has too much “spoof”. I know. Well, I haven’t posted properly in a while, I’ve got to get my remaining spoof out before the year ends. Plus I don’t watch X Factor, so only have a vague idea of what actually goes on.)

Anyways, yes, a lot of “us” bought Rage Against The Machine’s Killing In The Name, regardless of whether we liked it or not or remembered the song first time round etc etc. And we drove it to number one, with 50,000 more copies sold than Joe McElderry’s The Climb.

Though why people are calling this a chart upset beats me. Or even a Christmas number one upset. Sure, the X Factor winner has been number one for the last 40 years so this year’s X Factor’s winner was guaranteed it again, even if the winner had been a raisin wearing a woolly hat. But then a Facebook campaign/group started, attracting almost 1 million followers – 500,000 more members than actually bought the single. (Eh?)

So when you expect several hundreds of thousands of people to buy a single and there’s a damn good chance that it hits the top spot – that it actually gets there isn’t that surprising or even that much of an upset. Okay, so it beat what most people expected to be there instead (well, most people prior to December), but it’s just not that surprising. If Lady Gaga – who ended up in the third spot – actually got to number one instead of either single, that would be an upset. If Michael Jackson had suddenly appeared on the Monday in HMV Oxford Street and urged everyone to buy his new single for Christmas and it hit the top spot, that would be an upset. If the number one “spot” magically disappeared and there was NO number one, that would be an upset. If…oh, you get the picture.

And the same goes for Christmas number one upsets in previous years. For example, 1985 is often mentioned as an example – when Shakin’ Stevens Merry Christmas Everyone beat Whitney Houston’s Saving All My Love For You. Upset – what upset? More people bought Shakey’s single.

And it’s about Christmas, at least.

And look at his nice red scarf:

Today’s Best Headline

Hair Metal, Music,

From BBC News:

Normally I’d write a bit more in a blog entry – make a wise crack, explain what the eff’s going on, blabber on about the 1980s, mouth off about Simon Cowell – that kind of thing.

But this doesn’t need any of that. All of us can just sit back and smile, safe in the knowledge that a Def Leppard cartoon is – FINALLY – about to be made.

Phew.

You’re my Halo, Florence and the Machine

Music, Radio

This happened aaaaages ago but, y’know, I can’t possibly write about properly current events as it’s a little passe and anyway, it’s much more fun rehashing stuff ages after it’s happened. (Tomorrow’s post: new technological advancement called “The Internetz” will allow you to look at FREE pictures of cats with funny captions in the privacy of your own home.)

But here’s Florence off of Florence and The Machine doing a cover of Beyon’ce’s (that’s a spelling mistake, but I like it – Ms Knowles should consider using it) Halo from Jo Whiley’s Live Lounge back in June. It took place on the 24th June, in fact – the day before Michael Jackson died. Coincidence? I think not.

Am I alone in thinking this is one of the worst, most painful cover versions…EVER? I don’t deny Florence is talented and that she normally has a good voice when doing her own songs, and that she’s got that whole unusual vocal/slightly different sound/kooky image thing going on that’s refreshing and new if Kate Bush hadn’t have existed.

According to Wikipedia (so who know’s if this is true or not – but having a vague memory of the show and the listener comments that came in that day, I suspect it is):

…host Jo Whiley stated that it was one of the best covers they have ever had in the Live Lounge.

And I think…really? Really? Am I listening to the same thing? Do I have my computer speakers on a “bad singing” setting? Are the foxes playing up in the garden again? Has my hearing gone all wrong? Is everyone mental? Are people being too polite to say anything?

Oh God, it’smy hearing, isn’t it? Oh no…noooooooooo….

Noel Gallagher quits Oasis; the nation says “meh”

Bad Behaviour, Music

The BBC News ticker keeps telling me that Noel Gallagher has reportedly left Oasis, according to the Oasis website (which won’t load; I guess all five of us have broken it by trying to access it at the same time). I’d nearly give a shit were I not watching coverage of Kings of Leon from Reading and thinking that they’re pretty freakin’ awesome.

If you can’t be in a “top” rockband and get on with your bandmates, maybe you should give your fans of your many millions back? And if you can’t get on with your “kid” brother, maybe you should just have a scrap in the backyard and break his Barbie doll, or something.

It’s a sad day, I tell you. But we’ll get over it. After all, Peter Andre’s making a comeback. And I hear Michael Bolton’s working on a new album.

Mr & Mrs Beyonce tan, swim, get into a fight in Croatia

Bad Behaviour, Music,

Never underestimate the patronising nature of the tabloids…for, trying to describe Beyonce and Jay-Z’s holiday in Croatia this week, the Daily Mail states that:

while her chart contemporaries have been spending the summer sailing around the traditional showbiz haunts of St Tropez and Portofino, Beyonce has broken out and visit [sic] one of Europe’s newest and trendiest hotspots

Wow, what a brave girl! Whilst other celebs are holidaying in “proper” holiday destinations, the brave lass has dragged along her husband to this practically unknown country. I’ve heard people in Croatia live in brick houses, drive four-wheeled cars, eat food and sleep on beds. (Though how can a place be both “new” and “trendy”? And I suppose it’s new only if you pretend the last ten years or so of mass tourism haven’t happened.)

Anyways, so – post dinner in Dubrovnik, the couple and their bodyguard get into an altercation with a paparazzo which saw the photog throw his tripod at their bodyguard (hey, aren’t those things expensive?) who then promptly threw it into the Adriatic sea.

Bodyguard/paparazzi fighting isn’t big or clever, kids, though it can sometimes seem a little bit funny. It also sounds like it could be Sacha Baron Cohen’s next film – “DRAGAN: Don’t mess with this Eastern European paparazzo.”

It’s the BRIT Awards!

Award Ceremonies, Bad Behaviour, Music,

The BRIT Awards kick off in just under an hour, and I am LITERALLY excited about this fantastic awards ceremony!

Wow
Wow

Having said that, don’t the BRIT Awards always somehow seem a bit poor? Compared to American awards ceremonies, I mean. To be honest, that’s not really fair, mainly because America seems to big these ceremonies up so much that they’re advertised and promoted as the greatest and most respected awards ever, and any other country that dares hold their own music/acting/theatre/sports contests etc might as well not bother because they’re only going to be at the same level as a Prettiest Pig Contest in a small Suffolk village.

But you know what the Brits (that’s the nation of people, not the awards ceremony) do waaaay much better? Bad behaviour. This is really why anyone bothers to watch the BRITS – they want to see a repeat of Jarvis Cocker mooning Michael Jackson, or Brandon Block challenging Ronnie Wood to a fight, or something similar to the Sam Fox/Mick Fleetwood presenting disaster, or Chumbawumba tipping water over John Prescott. Actually, scratch that last one – we don’t really want to bring Chumbawumba out of the woodwork, do we? (Or John Prescott back to prominence, for that matter.)

So, this year’s BRITs will be presented by James Corden and Matthew Horne (off of Gavin & Stacey) and Kylie Minogue. Hmmm. I can only imagine the inclusion of Kylie is to make sure the J & Matt don’t get too naughty.

Duffy and Coldplay are the jointly most nominated acts. Hmmm. Can’t imagine either of those two flashing their bits or getting so drunk they start wrestling members of the crowd.

And…Scouting For Girls are nominated in three categories. Hmmm. Or, not “hmmm”, more like “zzzzz”.

On the plus side, Robbie Williams is rumoured to be reuniting with Take That tonight, so he might kick something off.

And David Hasslehoff is supposed to be presenting an award. And where the Hoff goes, good things happen. Or drink. Yes, drink happens.

Lady GaGa…not really all that?

Music, The Charts

It’s a sure sign that you’re getting on a bit when a song gets to number one in the charts and you think, “What on earth’s that? I’ve never even heard it!” Alas, such thoughts popped into my head last Sunday when I discovered that Lady GaGa was number one in the UK with her Let’s Dance.

Now, this lady has been creating quite a stir in London this week as she’s been parading around our streets wearing some rather interesting outfits. She’s over here to, er, do something. Here’s one such outfit:

I can see your pants!!
I can see your pants!!

Now, I take a look at that and think “Hmm, she was wearing that on a cold winter’s day, but she’s clearly devoted to fashion. This woman is fierce. Fresh. Futuristic. Fabulous. And probably f***ing freezing too.” So, all of those ‘f’s (apart from the last one, obviously) makes me think that, musically, she’d be really cutting-edge and excitingly new and hot. And then I heard her song, the one that’s currently number one in the UK:

[youtube:http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=M65zI9LH-as]

And then I thought to myself, “Wow. What a rather bland pop song. I have heard this before. I just thought it was by some really nondescript girl band. Oh.”

Good video, though.

File this under “Noooooooo!!”

Music, The Charts, TV,
So bright! It hurts my eyes!
So bright! It hurts my eyes!

When the BBC are getting part of its staff to make crank calls to waiters from Barcelona, they’re going around making stupid decisions like this. Today, the Coporation confirmed that there will be NO Top Of The Pops Christmas special this year. Although the weekly programme itself was taken off our screens a couple of years ago, the jovial yuletide extravaganza continued to be shown.

But alas, not any more.

First of all, let me say, “noooooooo!”. Then secondly, “why?”

Top of the Pops and Christmas Day go together like the colours pink and blue on a neon logo – i.e. nearly perfectly. The TOTP Christmas special is tradition, something to watch to remind yourself of the year’s musical highs and lows whilst you wait for your mum to cook lunch.

And more to the point, what are they going to put it it’s place? More of The Two Ronnies? And hour-long Queen’s speech? High School Musical 1, 2 and 3? Aardman Animations can’t crank out new Wallace & Gromits each year!

Just stick to TOTP, Beeb.

And people want to see the main programme resurrected too. There’s me, The Ting Tings, Adam Ant and the Kaiser Chiefs – a stellar combination of people. If we can only get Five Star and Milli Vanilli onboard, maybe the BBC will listen to us.

Well, I think iTunes should **** ***

Music

…that’s shut off…while they fix this problem…of course…

iTune’s Music Store suffered a glitch today after it randomly starting censoring words that…didn’t really need censoring. Words such as “hot”, “killer”, “teen* and “johnny” (amongst others) started appearing with those oh-so-naughty asterixes instead. Here’s an example:

Th*s *s ****
Th*s *s ****

I can’t believe they’re censoring Johnny Hates Jazz, now no one will buy their music!

Alternatively:

Oh no, my mistake, this is shit
Oh no, my mistake, this is shit

Of course, I’m sniggering about this now, but maybe this is another small sign that computers are slowly taking over? Skynet will be switched on and the world will slowly start to resemble the exact storyline from The Terminator…and only John Conner will be able to save us.

Not just yet though. We’ll probably have to wait until iTunes finishes censoring everything, to the point where all songs will look like *****’ ** * ****** – *** **** or maybe even ******* (** * *** * ********** ** ***) – * ***** ** ********.
(That’s Livin’ On A Prayer – Bon Jovi and Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You) – A Flock Of Seagulls…but you totally already guessed that, right?)

The decline of X Factor starts here…hopefully…

Music, Parody, Reality TV, The Charts,

Who watches X Factor? Why? What is remotely interesting about it? Unknowns singing (sometimes strangling) known songs week in week out – to quote Pink, so what? This, of course, is after the much publicised auditions where you either have to be not quite right in the head by believing yourself to be the next Whitney Houston when in fact your voice sounds like a dying cat so everyone laughs at you, or have some kind of dramatic sob story so the programme makers will devote half an hour to you.

I’d like to see the following happen at an X Factor audition:

Simon Cowell: “Why are you here today, why do you want to win the X Factor?”
Auditionee: “I…*sniff*…split some coffee on my favourite top today and I really want to prove to everyone…*tear rolls down cheek*…that I’m not just about spilling drinks on myself, but that I’m actually quite talented…”

So, we’ve come to that time of year where last year’s winner is required to release some music. Leon Jackson’s song, Don’t Call This Love, charted yesterday at number three. But, ha ha! Comedian Peter Kay’s X Factor spoof – contestant Geraldine McQueen from Britain’s Got The Pop Factor – managed to chart one place higher at number two. Awesome.

Here’s Geraldine’s beautiful song:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3vduTe6nkQ]

And here’s boring old Leon Jackson by comparison:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhsO-qsDT00]

If I were Leon Jackson, I’d be majorly pissed off. And not just about charting one place behind a guy that’s parodying the contest you were in. I mean, Leon’s won what’s supposed to be the UK’s best talent competition (there’s something very wrong about those last few words) and then after one quick single to ensure the Christmas number one, they’ve waited ten months before releasing any new material. And that’s the lead single they’ve decided to give him?!?! Can no one write him a decent pop song? This one is appallingly bad. It sounds like something Robson and Jerome would have rejected.

Although who brought us the singing sensations that were Robson and Jerome? That’s right, Simon Cowell. *sighs*