Eight words that will put the fear of God into all of us

Reality TV

Whilst trawling through various news and gossip websites today, I came across the worst eight words…EVER. I’m actually pretty surprised that world isn’t close to ending, now that these eight words seem to be out there, spreading themselves freely and making their merry way through the country’s population. You know the thing – lakes drying out, birds falling out of the sky, chairs coming to life, cows starting to read The Sun. That kind of thing.

What are these words? Well, since they’re already in existence as one full sentence, I guess it doesn’t really matter if I repeat them:

The X Factor returns to ITV1 on Saturday.

PLEEEEEEEEASE, NOOOOOOO!! Urgh. I can’t believe this utter crap is coming back to our TV screens once more – don’t they ever learn? Do we really need to see FOUR MONTHS of what’s clearly one of the worst TV programmes ever in existence – a show that’s a mix of laughing at mentally retarded people; playing up people’s sob stories for extra effect; over the top coverage of these horribly preening judges (yes, Cheryl Cole and Dannnnniiiiiiii, we get it, you wear nice dresses sometimes); Simon Cowell’s stupid “horrified” look; Louis Walsh’s mad grinning; endless bad singing (and that’s from the “talented” lot); annoying overnight “celebrities” who are really just fat, teenage boys; and an eventual winner who most likely doesn’t have the X factor and will fade into obscurity pretty quickly. (Hello, Steve Brookstein! Hello Shane Ward! Hello boy with spiky hair!)

Dogs hate staycations, prefer real holidays

Animals

Although, why do we use the word “staycation” anyway in this country? We don’t actually use the word “vacation” in the first place. Harumpf.

Anyways, you know the situation. You’re a pooch and your human may be willing to put up with the crappy weather the UK is having this summer, but it won’t fly with you. You start bringing home brochures to Carribean holidays; you bark every time that weird Thomson Holidays-creating-a-beach ad which always drags on far too long is on; you act all enthusiastic when your neighbours come round brandishing their holiday snaps; and you get so close with booking a Ryanair flight to Ibiza only to get foiled by the credit card booking fees as they’re too high and you can’t remember where you’ve put your debit card and then the booking expires and OH WHY IS THIS SO HARD.

So, you’ve really got to take matters into your own hands…er…paws. And for a dog, that’s surprisingly easy. You simply hop on a train to your nearest airport and fly out! Ha ha ha, take that!

But you get foiled by some more stupid humans. Why do they hate you so?!

What I learnt today…

What I learnt today

You know the old saying – you learn something new everyday. And you really do – I literally learn a new thing every day. But I figure that I shouldn’t keep all this wisdom to myself – oh no. I should probably let everyone know about what I’ve taken on board, so that they too can benefit from such useful knowledge.

So here, readers, is a new regular feature (regular in the sense that only as regular as I can be bothered to update it, knowing full well I’ll probably get bored in three months’ time) on this blog.

And today’s thing that I learnt that I want to share with everyone?

Jude Law’s real name is Dave.

Resolving the 80s

80s, Music

You know the 80s, right? It was basically one big mess of a decade. So much so that now – nearly two decades after the 1980s finished – we’re having to resolve everything that the crazy people in the 80s got up to.

Like this. Aussie pop giants (I…hope…they…are?) Men At Work are being sued for plagirism over their 1981 hit, Down Under. A music publisher says that the flute part of the ditty is taken directly from a Girl Guides song, which it owns the copyright of. Though it only bought the copyright in 1990. And though Men At Work dispute this. Hmmm. And the music publishing company only started proceedings after similarities between the two songs were pointed out on a TV music quiz. I’m guessing some kind of Never Mind The Buzzcocks shenanigans.

What do you think? I’m not too sure myself, I personally find it hard to say. See below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNT7uZf7lew

Which got me thinking…which other great 80s hits might have been lifted from other songs back in the day? Duran Duran’s Rio? Adam & The Ants’s Prince Charming? Sonia’s You’ll Never Stop Me From Loving You? Oh please God no, don’t say it’s the last one!

What a difference a week makes

Film, Parody,

Last week I blogged about the 2009 MTV Movie Awards that took place last Monday, and wittered on about the whole Bruno/Eminem/bum-on-face occurance. In actual fact, I didn’t want to write about that at all, nor even feature a YouTube video of it. (The video’s been taken down for copyright reasons, anyway.)

What I did want to write about and have a video of was the short music video in the awards, “Cool Guys Don’t Look At Explosions” featuring Andy Samberg, Will Ferrell and JJ Abrams. It wasn’t on YouTube last week, but is now. That’s a true story.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sqz5dbs5zmo]

I heart you, The Lonely Island! They could make a video of baby rabbits being mauled by A Flock Of Seagulls (the band), and I’d find it funny.

Who’s the bitch?

The Apprentice

Yesterday’s episode of The Apprentice saw the remaining five contestants each go through “the interview process from hell” (assuming that hell would be a continuous loop of people in glass rooms telling you you’re crap – “You were the first person to walk on the moon? That’s not very ambitious. The moon’s very close to Earth. Why didn’t you try achieve something more, perhaps going to Mars? You strike me as a very unambitious person, I don’t think you’re what Sir Alan is looking for”).

Each contestant also provided personal references along with their CV. Sour-faced Debra Barr (she’s only 23! Maybe she’ll learn to smile when she’s 24) had amongst the most amusing references of any of them – mainly involving her colleagues telling her she’s incompetent and a bitch.

Debra tried to defend herself along the usual lines of people-call-me-a-bitch-because-I’m-a-woman-who’s-successful. Interviewer Karren Brady shot back, saying “I’m a successful woman in business…no one calls me a bitch”. REALLY, Karren? I had always got the impression that people regularly called you a bitch. I must be thinking of that other female CEO of a football club, you know the one…

Maybe she is right. Maybe no one calls her a bitch. Except herself, that is. In an interview with the Telegraph way back in 2000, she says:

Oh, I know people have got this image of me as a hard bitch. It’s unfortunate really. There’s this philosophy you should be seen but not heard.

Still, if you want something doing right, you’ve got to do it yourself, eh?

Literal Videos

Music Videos, Parody,

I’m a bit slow on this one – Dlisted.com posted a link to the literal video of Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart earlier today. Heck, even The Metro newspaper was going on about it this morning. And The Metro is usually at least four days late with any kind of news.

So, I won’t display that literal video, as funny as it is. No, why go for Bonnie Tyler when you can go for…

…BILLY IDOL!!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmngLUtxwJM]

P.S. In fairness to me, I do remember kind of watching the version of a-ha’s Take On Me. So it’s not all bad.

MTV makes me feel old

Award Ceremonies, Film,

The 2009 MTV Movie Awards took place last night in LA, and is airing tonight in the UK. (MTV One, 9pm) There has never a single piece of programming that has ever made me older. I’m sitting here and it just seems to be a bunch of people I barely know about! Zac Efron? High School Musical? Are these people and movies really that successful? And Twilight – I have never known so little about such a popular movie.

Also, I really did just think to myself – this show wouldn’t be so bad if the audience weren’t screaming so much at everything. I am now officially my mother.

Still, this was pretty funny – just when wonder how Sacha Baron Cohen can outdo himself, he just about gets there:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m03UNmFpcNE]

(In all honesty, I actually wanted to post a clip of the Will Ferrell/Andy Samberg/JJ Abrahams song, “Cool Guys Don’t Look At Explosions” – about movie leads always walking nonchalantly away from the massive explosion they’ve just set, causing half the city of collapse into a smouldering pile of rubble – except I couldn’t find it on YouTube. Bah.

Britain’s Got To Stop Making Simon Cowell Richer

Reality TV

Seriously.

Tonight is the final of Britain’s Got Talent. I’m not going to be watching – why would I? I have a life. Actually, that’s not true. But I am booked in to watch paint dry for a few hours this evening.

Britians got some people that can do stuff
Britian’s got some people that can do stuff

The finalists include an older lady that sings really well; a younger girl that sings really well; a young boy that sings really well; a dance act; another dance act; a poodle that sings really well; a badger acrobatic troupe; and a man that stands on two legs for over 30 seconds. Or something.

But what is the point of this show? It’s not to showcase the “talent” that Britain actually has. It’s not to discover the next singing sensation. It’s not even to bring a little light entertainment into our lives. It’s just to line the pockets of Simon Cowell even further. I hear that he needs a second £20 million LA mansion to house all of his trousers – well, they are double height, an ordinary closet just won’t do.

For God’s sake, people of Britain, STOP! Just stop encouraging this man!

Although there is a way he might have some use. I propose another reality TV programme starring him – Destroying Simon Cowell. I don’t mean actually getting rid of him, I just mean making him stop giving us all of these pathetic talent and singing shows, that really only interest complete numpties. Oh, and destroying him in a financial and business sense. I mean, he’s the guy that’s brought us the utter shit that is Sinitta, Robson & Jerome and Zig & Zag, on top of all his TV show nonsense. Not to mention a smug face that only a mother wouldn’t want to punch.

So: Destroying Simon Cowell – One Man. Millions of pounds. It’s up to you to make him bankrupt.

This is the second best thing I’ve ever seen…

Justin Timberlake, Parody

On account of YouTube taking down music videos and account of me being particularly lazy, I haven’t been doing the “It’s Monday! Video Time!” segment of this blog much…*coughs*…at all in recent months. But you can stop crying now! Because, as a way of saying “I’m sorrrrrreeeee”, here’s one of the greatest things I’ve witnessed in the last 21.5 hours:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=en_tTVvFgJ0]

Watch it a few times. Then you can start crying again if you want.