The BBC News ticker keeps telling me that Noel Gallagher has reportedly left Oasis, according to the Oasis website (which won’t load; I guess all five of us have broken it by trying to access it at the same time). I’d nearly give a shit were I not watching coverage of Kings of Leon from Reading and thinking that they’re pretty freakin’ awesome.

If you can’t be in a “top” rockband and get on with your bandmates, maybe you should give your fans of your many millions back? And if you can’t get on with your “kid” brother, maybe you should just have a scrap in the backyard and break his Barbie doll, or something.

It’s a sad day, I tell you. But we’ll get over it. After all, Peter Andre’s making a comeback. And I hear Michael Bolton’s working on a new album.

• BBC News: Noel Gallagher “quitting Oasis”