So the City’s in turmoil, our banks are all in the shitter and none of us can afford to buy anything even at Aldi. But spare a thought for a group of people that are having an even tougher time than most. That’s right – celebrities. You thought you had it bad? Read on, my friend…

A self-potrait by Kate Moss – drawn in lipstick – only reached £33,600 at auction over the weekend. The expertly painted masterpiece, which shows off her true talent (let’s face it, modelling is just a stop-gap for her) was expected to fetch over £40,000. Oh, Kate, how will you ever survive?

Another painting in the same auction, painted by Pete Doherty in blood, failed to sell at all. I really can’t imagine why – Pete is an absolute legend, and blood is such a interesting material to paint with. Having something like that hanging up in your living room would be amazingly inspiring, I should think.

Maybe someone should set up a charity to raise funds for celebrities in need? Us ordinary plebs could take over a night of TV and put on wacky sketches and sing pop songs. All to give something back to the people that need it most.

• BBC News: Moss lipstick self-portrait sold