Category Archives: Music

Music

It’s the BRIT Awards!

Award Ceremonies, Bad Behaviour, Music,

The BRIT Awards kick off in just under an hour, and I am LITERALLY excited about this fantastic awards ceremony!

Wow
Wow

Having said that, don’t the BRIT Awards always somehow seem a bit poor? Compared to American awards ceremonies, I mean. To be honest, that’s not really fair, mainly because America seems to big these ceremonies up so much that they’re advertised and promoted as the greatest and most respected awards ever, and any other country that dares hold their own music/acting/theatre/sports contests etc might as well not bother because they’re only going to be at the same level as a Prettiest Pig Contest in a small Suffolk village.

But you know what the Brits (that’s the nation of people, not the awards ceremony) do waaaay much better? Bad behaviour. This is really why anyone bothers to watch the BRITS – they want to see a repeat of Jarvis Cocker mooning Michael Jackson, or Brandon Block challenging Ronnie Wood to a fight, or something similar to the Sam Fox/Mick Fleetwood presenting disaster, or Chumbawumba tipping water over John Prescott. Actually, scratch that last one – we don’t really want to bring Chumbawumba out of the woodwork, do we? (Or John Prescott back to prominence, for that matter.)

So, this year’s BRITs will be presented by James Corden and Matthew Horne (off of Gavin & Stacey) and Kylie Minogue. Hmmm. I can only imagine the inclusion of Kylie is to make sure the J & Matt don’t get too naughty.

Duffy and Coldplay are the jointly most nominated acts. Hmmm. Can’t imagine either of those two flashing their bits or getting so drunk they start wrestling members of the crowd.

And…Scouting For Girls are nominated in three categories. Hmmm. Or, not “hmmm”, more like “zzzzz”.

On the plus side, Robbie Williams is rumoured to be reuniting with Take That tonight, so he might kick something off.

And David Hasslehoff is supposed to be presenting an award. And where the Hoff goes, good things happen. Or drink. Yes, drink happens.

Lady GaGa…not really all that?

Music, The Charts

It’s a sure sign that you’re getting on a bit when a song gets to number one in the charts and you think, “What on earth’s that? I’ve never even heard it!” Alas, such thoughts popped into my head last Sunday when I discovered that Lady GaGa was number one in the UK with her Let’s Dance.

Now, this lady has been creating quite a stir in London this week as she’s been parading around our streets wearing some rather interesting outfits. She’s over here to, er, do something. Here’s one such outfit:

I can see your pants!!
I can see your pants!!

Now, I take a look at that and think “Hmm, she was wearing that on a cold winter’s day, but she’s clearly devoted to fashion. This woman is fierce. Fresh. Futuristic. Fabulous. And probably f***ing freezing too.” So, all of those ‘f’s (apart from the last one, obviously) makes me think that, musically, she’d be really cutting-edge and excitingly new and hot. And then I heard her song, the one that’s currently number one in the UK:

[youtube:http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=M65zI9LH-as]

And then I thought to myself, “Wow. What a rather bland pop song. I have heard this before. I just thought it was by some really nondescript girl band. Oh.”

Good video, though.

Filth Factor, more like

Music, Reality TV

Now, given my extreme dislike of the show, I don’t actually watch the X Factor, of course. But over the weekend, I may have accidentally switched over to the dark side…sorry, ITV…when it was on. Only to be confronted by a screeching woman (Diana Vickers, murdering Call Me by Blondie) who had forgotten to put half her clothes on:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlUYVe9I5xo]

Seriously, X Factor people, you need to adivse your contestants better. But at least she’ll get Simon Cowell’s vote, eh?

File this under “Noooooooo!!”

Music, The Charts, TV,
So bright! It hurts my eyes!
So bright! It hurts my eyes!

When the BBC are getting part of its staff to make crank calls to waiters from Barcelona, they’re going around making stupid decisions like this. Today, the Coporation confirmed that there will be NO Top Of The Pops Christmas special this year. Although the weekly programme itself was taken off our screens a couple of years ago, the jovial yuletide extravaganza continued to be shown.

But alas, not any more.

First of all, let me say, “noooooooo!”. Then secondly, “why?”

Top of the Pops and Christmas Day go together like the colours pink and blue on a neon logo – i.e. nearly perfectly. The TOTP Christmas special is tradition, something to watch to remind yourself of the year’s musical highs and lows whilst you wait for your mum to cook lunch.

And more to the point, what are they going to put it it’s place? More of The Two Ronnies? And hour-long Queen’s speech? High School Musical 1, 2 and 3? Aardman Animations can’t crank out new Wallace & Gromits each year!

Just stick to TOTP, Beeb.

And people want to see the main programme resurrected too. There’s me, The Ting Tings, Adam Ant and the Kaiser Chiefs – a stellar combination of people. If we can only get Five Star and Milli Vanilli onboard, maybe the BBC will listen to us.

Well, I think iTunes should **** ***

Music

…that’s shut off…while they fix this problem…of course…

iTune’s Music Store suffered a glitch today after it randomly starting censoring words that…didn’t really need censoring. Words such as “hot”, “killer”, “teen* and “johnny” (amongst others) started appearing with those oh-so-naughty asterixes instead. Here’s an example:

Th*s *s ****
Th*s *s ****

I can’t believe they’re censoring Johnny Hates Jazz, now no one will buy their music!

Alternatively:

Oh no, my mistake, this is shit
Oh no, my mistake, this is shit

Of course, I’m sniggering about this now, but maybe this is another small sign that computers are slowly taking over? Skynet will be switched on and the world will slowly start to resemble the exact storyline from The Terminator…and only John Conner will be able to save us.

Not just yet though. We’ll probably have to wait until iTunes finishes censoring everything, to the point where all songs will look like *****’ ** * ****** – *** **** or maybe even ******* (** * *** * ********** ** ***) – * ***** ** ********.
(That’s Livin’ On A Prayer – Bon Jovi and Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You) – A Flock Of Seagulls…but you totally already guessed that, right?)

The decline of X Factor starts here…hopefully…

Music, Parody, Reality TV, The Charts,

Who watches X Factor? Why? What is remotely interesting about it? Unknowns singing (sometimes strangling) known songs week in week out – to quote Pink, so what? This, of course, is after the much publicised auditions where you either have to be not quite right in the head by believing yourself to be the next Whitney Houston when in fact your voice sounds like a dying cat so everyone laughs at you, or have some kind of dramatic sob story so the programme makers will devote half an hour to you.

I’d like to see the following happen at an X Factor audition:

Simon Cowell: “Why are you here today, why do you want to win the X Factor?”
Auditionee: “I…*sniff*…split some coffee on my favourite top today and I really want to prove to everyone…*tear rolls down cheek*…that I’m not just about spilling drinks on myself, but that I’m actually quite talented…”

So, we’ve come to that time of year where last year’s winner is required to release some music. Leon Jackson’s song, Don’t Call This Love, charted yesterday at number three. But, ha ha! Comedian Peter Kay’s X Factor spoof – contestant Geraldine McQueen from Britain’s Got The Pop Factor – managed to chart one place higher at number two. Awesome.

Here’s Geraldine’s beautiful song:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3vduTe6nkQ]

And here’s boring old Leon Jackson by comparison:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhsO-qsDT00]

If I were Leon Jackson, I’d be majorly pissed off. And not just about charting one place behind a guy that’s parodying the contest you were in. I mean, Leon’s won what’s supposed to be the UK’s best talent competition (there’s something very wrong about those last few words) and then after one quick single to ensure the Christmas number one, they’ve waited ten months before releasing any new material. And that’s the lead single they’ve decided to give him?!?! Can no one write him a decent pop song? This one is appallingly bad. It sounds like something Robson and Jerome would have rejected.

Although who brought us the singing sensations that were Robson and Jerome? That’s right, Simon Cowell. *sighs*

Exactly how much money does Jon Bon Jovi have?

Crazy, Music, Rock Stars

It’s a question I often think about…when I’m not debating this topic with my friends, or mulling it over with my plants. I mean, he has written and performed some the greatest songs of all time (Livin’ On A Prayer; You Give Love A Bad Name; Wanted Dead Or Alive, the keyboard-tastic Runaway…and other songs not from the 80s) which must have at least earnt him twenty quid by now. Like many of us, he’s got a part-time job on the side – he’s dabbled with acting (e.g. Ally McBeal) which has given him a bit of extra dosh. And, let’s face it, he’s got awesome hair and teeth which probably means that people just throw money at him all the time.

Well, someone out there thinks Jon Bon is clearly *LOADED*. Not just loaded or LOADED, but *LOADED*. A guy called Samuel Bartley Steele from Boston (the city, not the 70s band) is suing Jon Bon Jovi for $400 billion. Yes, really, $400 billion. $400 BILLON. *$400 BILLION* Is this guy perhaps a world leader in disguise that’s realised they don’t actually have the funds for their intended financial crisis solution and so is instead resorting to suing rock stars?

Dude, youre suing me for how much?!
Dude, you’re suing me for how much?!

Anyways, the reasoning behind the madness is that Steele claims Jon Bon Jovi stole the lyrics and chorus from one of his songs. Steele’s song is called (Man I Really) Love This Team, Bon Jovi’s is I Love This Town. Team, town, if they both love something, the should be happy…no?

But what if the joke’s on us, and Jon Bon Jovi really does have that much money? I’m beginning to wonder now. I had a crush on this guy back in the 90s. Did I make a mistake in growing up and stopping my teenage obsession, and not going on to marry him like I thought I would? Uh oh.

Let me think that over whilst watching the excellent Runaway, as mentioned above. I don’t think they used enough smoke machines, though…

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkGOxMyy55c]

You can always count on rock legends

Music, Transport

Over the weekend, Iron Maiden lead singer Bruce Dickinson came to the rescue of some unlucky holidaymakers who were stranded in Sharm el-Sheikh and Kos when the travel company XL went bust. Good ol’ Bruce piloted a plane to the Egyptian resort, flew back to England, had a quick sleep, then went out to Kos to rescue some more British tourists that were stuck on the holiday island.

Youre facing the wrong way!!
You’re facing the wrong way!!

Most newspaper reports of this story helpfully add that Bruce is a “fully-qualified Boeing 757 pilot” (e.g. The Mirror) which is awesome! Not only is a helpful guy, but he’s also trained to fly planes! What a brilliant coincidence.

Unfortunately, it might not be so good for said pilot:

…Marc Cryer, on Bruce’s chartered Monarch flight from Sharm el-Sheikh on Saturday, was alone in his awe at being rescued by such a famous captain of rock.

Marc said: “I was stunned – though nobody else seemed to know who he was. I must have been his one fan on the trip.

Tut, where are Iron Maiden fans when you need them? Well, clearly not stranded in Sharm el-Sheikh…

I hope this is the start of trend in society – rock legends generally coming to the rescue. I understand that Robert Plant of Led Zepplin is putting together a funding package to help struggling airline Alitalia. Joe Elliott of Def Leppard is considering digging deep to help some of them employees of Lehman Brothers. Jon Bon Jovi will start a weekly column in The Sun to help readers through the credit crunch. And Coldplay’s Chris Martin will pen a whiny piano song about the whole thing.

Okay, who over-ordered on the Estelle CDs?!

Music, Music Videos, Uncategorized

Estelle – she of American Boy fame with Le Kanye – has had her album taken off U.S. iTunes, thereby causing it and the hit single to plummet down the American charts. American Boy was at number 11 on the Billboard chart, but has now fallen to number 37. Her album has base-jumped down to number 159. (Although its high was only a “distinctly average” – as Simon Cowell would say – 38.)

It’s all down to her album company, Warner. They want people to buy the whole album, rather than individual songs. iTunes is pretty nifty in the way that you can buy individual songs – even individual album tracks – without having to fork out for the whole thing. Except it doesn’t quite work as well if no one buys the album anymore.

My theory is that someone accidentally got too many Estelle CDs producing by typing in a couple more zeros than necessary on the order. Oops. Now they’re desperately trying to shift them. Expect Ebay to be flooded with them soon.

If you’re in America and can no longer buy the song in iTunes: why not just sit in front of your computer all day and watch it on YouTube? It’s free! Fantastic! Screw you, Warner!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VbzEqXaThY]

How Not To Sample (Music)

Cover Versions, Music, Music Videos

Following on from the incredibly successful television show, What Not To Wear, TV style guru Gok Wan introduces his latest offering, How Not To Sample, in which he advises up-and-coming bands on where they’ve gone wrong in sampling classic hit music.

I kid, of course. But if this was a real show, the first group he’d be helping would be hot young things (apparently), The Saturdays. Their new single, “If This Is Love”, samples the completely excellent 80s hit “Satisfaction” by Yazoo. But it samples it badly. The song uses the same tiny intro bit repeated over and over. On top of that, the five girls (two of whom used to be in S Club 8…snooze…) sing words the medley of which doesn’t really appear to be related to anything. It’s like when kids make up their own song on the spot.

Take a look at the video, which is equally unexciting:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbC3CqyYMtI]

The Saturdays get ready for a performance in a shop window (in Miss Selfridge on the corner of Oxford Street and Great Portland Street, by the look of things), then strut and lounge around in said window in a sort of moving mannequin-type display. (Which isn’t a patch on the Samantha-from-Sex-and-the-City-comes-to-life in Mannequin.)

Upon completeing their performance, they receive a completely over-the-top response from the crowd outside and their own crew. Which is weird; the crowd on the street presumably didn’t hear them very well through the glass, and their own people wouldn’t have heard them that well either seeing as they were backstage. What is everyone clapping about? That they wore dresses well?!

Let’s ignore them and listen to Yazoo’s original instead:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPiMbg4yVWk&feature=related]

Now that, is a song.

And a proper music video, come to think about it.