In a similar vein to Cheryl Cole looking not as good as she could on the cover of Vogue, here’s Kate Winslet on the cover of latest edition of Elle magazine.
The brilliant actress is gorgeous, sexy, funny cool…and Elle have decided to depict her as 50-year-old trying-to-hard Madonna.
Really Elle – time to sack the stylist.
Cheryl Cole graces the cover of the February 2009 edition of Vogue. Ah, but a mere seven years* ago she was a nobody; six years* ago she was a pop nobody; five years* ago she was a toilet attendant-attacking nobody, and now she’s really someone! (*All timings in this sentence approximate, I don’t follow pop careers that closely.)
Our lass has stormed the pop charts! Turned herself into a foxy, yet stylish, lady! Worn really funky, bright pink lipstick! Copied my look of leopard-print top and wet look leggings! (TRUE. It is MY look. I did it first. She copied ME.) Breathed new life in The X Factor! Forgiven a lying, cheating, scumbag of a husband!
So, it’s really no surprise that she’s got herself on the cover of Vogue. Except they’ve decided to Vogue-ify her, stripping her of her perky sexiness, and instead made her into some very bland model-type thing. Sure, there’s worse things they could have depicted her as, it’s not like they’ve superimposed her ugly husband’s face onto hers, but it just seems a bit cold and…meh. I suppose that’s Vogue’s “look” though, eh?
(Not to mention – the fact that her facial features appear ever so slightly too big).
P.S. How much does it sound like I fancy Cheryl? I don’t, I just think she’s pretty and stylish.
P.P.S. I mean, I am female. And straight.
P.P.P.S. Then again, it’s the 21st century…so it’s all good…
Indeed, what could Halle Berry – one of the world’s most beautiful women and a fine actress (mostly, anyway) possibly be voted as by men’s magazine Esquire? My top guesses were:
But no! It’s none of these! Halle has instead been voted “Sexiest Woman Alive” by Esquire readers. I know, weird, huh?
Here’s hot new Bond girl Gemma Arterton on the cover of the October edition of Tatler:
She’s a very pretty lady indeed, and will no doubt will be great in the upcoming Bond film, Quatum of Solace. But for the latest edition of this magazine, she’s very kindly stepped in to illustrate the article entitled “Society’s Shocking Taboos”. Yup, top of that list must be magazine editors making celebrities look either a) stupid or b) ugly or c) ugly and stupid on their covers. But our Gemma does well, with her natural beauty still shining through, despite the bizarre haircut which looks a bit like it’s been added on by computer in a “What Hairstyle Would Suit You?” piece of software. And her dress…lace and feathers? Who in their right mind would wear a dress with both? Nay, would in their right mind would design a dress featuring both?
Good on you, Gemma.
By the way, is it just me or is the article title “Cake Middleton” brilliant?
Mark Frith used to be the editor of Heat magazine up until very recently. He also used to be the editor of the late, great Smash Hits magazine when I used to read it, which was in 1993/4.
So this guy’s been in the industry for at least 15 years. You think he’d have a juicy story or two about celebs to tell, right? Well, he certainly seems to think so. He’s just about to come out with a book called The Celeb Diaries: The Sensational Inside Story Of The Celebrity Decade. Hmm, snappy title! Part of the book has also just been serialised in the Daily Mail. For Mark Frith’s sake, I’m hoping the newspaper decided to print the really crappy, really boring bits of the book. Because it doesn’t exactly make for fascinating reading.
The problem with it is that he doesn’t actually reveal any scintillating behind-the-scenes goss. Okay, so Frith could well get in trouble for revealing some of that… But all that’s left is a book full of stories about people most people aren’t interested in anymore (Will Young versus Gareth Gates in the Pop Idol final in 2002 – WHO CARES?!; and interview with Jade Goody’s mother – WHY?!?) or some issues he faced as editor. Like having to apologise to Madonna for running an “untrue” story that she was pregnant. Or almost being sued by Jude Law. Yawn.
Here’s something interesting though. In an entry in March 2003, Frith writes:
Our two-week search for pictures of famous people looking terrible has paid off…We’ve got Nicole Kidman with bust padding on show, Jennifer Lopez with cellulite, Cat Deeley with veiny feet, Penelope Cruz with a double chin and Geri Halliwell showing her t*t tape…I bet the readers will love it.
FIVE AND A HALF YEARS LATER we’re still getting this same old crap. If the cover doesn’t proclaim, “TOO THIN CELEBS!”, it’s “BEST BEACH BODIES!” or “CURVY AND PROUD!”. My personal favourite was “BEACH DISASTERS” which included a female celeb – I forget who – who was on the beach with greasy hair. Oh golly, no!!
Time for a new feature idea, Heat?
Another puzzle for you: is Heat World.com written by an very over-excited 12-year-old girl, who is MSN-ing her mates? Lots of the headlines on the site end in exclamation marks!! Some sentences end in dot-dot-dots… (There’s a technical term for that. I don’t know what it is though. Clearly.) And there’s words CAPITALISED to try and show you how EXCITING it ALL is..! Why don’t they just cut the crap and revert to full on text speak? Because tht wld b lts ov fun, LOL…!!!!!!11
Here’s one very exciting story, entitled “OMG! Jordan is SO deluded!”. (You see what I mean?) Apparently, the Heat World journalist almost spat out his/her mid-morning coffee upon reading a story about glamour-model Jordan. Yeah, well, I almost stabbed myself in the eye readng the story on Heat World. I think I win.
Essentially, Jordan apparently wants to make a film of her and Peter Andre’s lives and has revealed, to quote Heat World, “who she would like to play her and husband Peter Andre in a movie – and you’ll be VERY amused by her choices”.
Will I? WILL I? Don’t promise what you can’t fulfill, Heat World – will I really be that amused by her choices? Has she said she wants The Queen to play her? Bobby Davro?! A hamster?!! A Texas Instruments TI-80 scientific calculator…?!?! OMG!!!!
No. She wants Angelina Jolie to play her and Keanu Reeves to play Peter.
So there you have it readers. Heat World brings you the extraordinary story that Jordan – the weirdo – wants attractive and hot people to star as herself and her husband should a movie of her life ever be made.
Someone, somewhere in magazine publishing world is holding their head in their hands. For last week’s editions of More and Look magazines (think gossip/fashion/women’s stuff) had remarkably similar covers:
Sure, okay, perhaps Lily Allen managed to wear her hair exactly the same with exactly the same wispy bit behind her left ear and pose with exactly the same expression including the exact same wry smile on two separate occasions. Of course, of course, entirely possible.
Until you discover proper pictures of Lily Allen wearing the gold dress (as shown on the Look cover) from the Vanity Fair party in Cannes, where she has completely different hair: http://forums.lilyallenmusic.com/viewtopic.php?t=9825&sid=fba3d00efc8d0079de0d28434a0bd1e2.
In fact, Look magazine…looks to have used the top image from the above link – you can see she’s holding the arm in the same pose.
Trust me, when you see these two magazine covers side by side on the magazine stand…you can’t help but laugh.
Here’s Lindsay Lohan on the cover of the latest New York Magazine, recreating Marilyn Monroe’s famous last photoshoot:
There’s rather a weird look of desperation in her eyes, like she’s saying: “Please like me! Please say I’m as alluring as Marilyn! I am, aren’t. Yes. Aren’t I??? Please?!!”
The Daily Mail has got knickers in a twist by noticing that Lily Allen has changed from a boozy, fag-smoking chav in the summer of 2006 to a sleek, stylish young lady in November 2007. (As evidenced on the cover of the new of Marie Claire.) God, that’s so unfair. Changing your image in the space of 17 months? Celeb life is so unlike ours.
Before: Booze hag After: Posh mag
I do have one thing to say about the Marie Claire cover though….
…JEANS!!
Ha, not really.
AIRBRUSHING!!!
Here’s Bond Girl Eva Green on the cover of January 2008 UK Vogue. She always has that sultry, gothic thing going on. Here, she looks fierce. She looks hot. She looks majah, as Victoria Beckham might say. But, there’s something about her hair, makeup and outfit that kind of screams “1983” to me:
And I don’t think that rather lurid shade of orange they’ve used for the titles on the cover is really helping.